Looking back over this past year, I had logged more than 300 or so miles of running. To some that isn't a lot, but to me, that is a freakin crap load and an accomplishment. This has been a year of trials, a year of starting over. A year of getting my feet wet in Seminary!!! A year of opening communication with your best friend who is half way around the world fighting for our country. A year in which I watch my cousin's kids grow up when there dad was also over fighting the war for our country.

A year ago I created a list of what I wanted to do over this past year. Now looking back, I am amazed in a sense of all that I did accomplish, but still finding out that I did not follow up on some things as much as I wanted. No big deal there is always next year right.....

As I start to reflect on this year more, I can only think of one way to truly begin and that is by thanking Tim Stewart. You see, Tim and I go way back. I do not think it was until this year when he was shipped half way around the world that our friendship really grew. I have always seen Tim as one of the most faithful and respectable men of Christ. I continue to hold that and can even more now. Tim, your conversations till the early mornings have been amazing and continue to be. Thank you so much for the questions asked and for answering or helping me answer some things. You truly are a man of God who fully is finding his way throughout this world and what he has to do to make it a better place for the kingdom. I look forward to when you get home. Know that you have a lot of family and friends continuing to pray for you and anticipating your return. HH-->

I sort of have this problem. I am someone who wants answers right away. Better yet, someone telling me or helping me find the answers. Seminary is taking that thought process out of me. This has been my biggest thing this year, starting Seminary. I do not know if I can put into words what my mind and thought process has gone through. How I have been challenged in so many ways. I heard it best when one of my profs said, "You (the class) walk into class with an orientation to what you know, what seems to happen is a disorientation and our job is to reorient you as the semester ends." I think I would push that a step farther and say that reorientation might come later in the other classes I will be taking. This is a continuing hard thing for me to learn, considering I want all the answers right away. Meeting others has been a great thing also in my beginnings of Seminary. I look forward to what the future holds in my studies and growth within Seminary.

I hate moving, I seem to do it a lot and this year was no exception. My almost two years spent in Chicago came to end around March. Due to some circumstances within my household(my fault), I then moved to St. Louis for a few months with my sister. It went from a tough transition of living on my own, to living with my sister, and then eventually moving home. I don't mind living at home. My parents have been so loving and amazing to let me come back into there home. It is a house, but the principle behind being 26 and living with your parents, kind of tough.
This has been another year of holding jobs for short amounts of time. I can say that I continue to try new things with jobs. I was able to work outside in landscaping all summer. I continue to search for that perfect job of doing exactly what I want and when I want........can't we all dream somewhat.

I look back to a year of transition for me. I have grown in faith and trust of Christ in so many ways. I start more firm in areas that I did not think I could. My thought process of learning and understanding continues to be chipped away with every class or every conversation I have with friends--thanks Simkins and Luz, you truly have added a "post-modern", or call it what you want to this conservation brain of mine. I continually look forward to what lies ahead for each of you. Luz thank you also for letting me come along side of you and work at the church. It has been really cool to work with someone who has ideas beyond my thoughts and sees the bigger picture of life in more colors than I have ever noticed.

Finally this year has brought me two little blessings in the life of my cousin's kids. If and when I learn to download pics, I want you all to see how precious and beautiful these kids are. Nothing can put into words hearing a child's laugh and taking away all that could be wrong for you at that time. I cannot even begin to tell you the countless times I spent rolling around on the floor, dancing to the wiggles, watching dora, and honestly loving ever minute of it with those kids. It has been hard to see these kids grow up while there dad is in Iraq, but my selfish side has enjoyed every bit of time I spend with them.

I leave you all with this from a book I got today on Christmas:

"It's no secret that I like to get to know people-and not just the outside stuff of their lives. I like to try to understand the meaning of who people are and what they're saying to me." The World According to Mister Rogers

My life is always going to be on the run. It is a good thing I have got a great pair of running shoes and a partner to always run with me.

Haven't written for a while. Been wanting to find words that have been on my heart and mind. Call it laziness, call it being scared to share thoughts, call it whatever you want. I just haven't been.


How do you find joy in something that frustrates everything you have ever known or been taught? My thoughts aren't the same as they were three months ago, my actions aren't the same either. Why are the concepts of what I have grown to know and live by changing so rapidly. Where does my joy come from today? I know where it doesn't come from, petty worldly things. When you have seen, been taught, been around worldly things that brought you joy and still does to so many today being changed, it has caused me to go through many sleepless nights of wondering why I do what I do. I still don't have all the answers, don't really think I want them all either.
(sidebar)
Want to know something for a second. I am glad I ran the marathon. Loved doing it. You know what though, it wasn't enough. It did nothing for me besides show me that I accomplished something. I got a lot of "way to go, proud of you, couldn't have done it myself." You know I couldn't have done it either, I didn't do it alone God carried me from the first step till I crossed the line. We put so much into something that isn't God first and when we see the finish, there is always a letdown. I know, cause that is how I felt when I finished. Don't get me wrong I did something fun and exciting, probably will do it again with different intentions though. I did the race because of me. When me couldn't do it, I called on God. Calling on God before probably would have been more gratifying. Don't know.

I find joy working with high schoolers and young adults. I honestly do. Is it about me though. NO. I don't go there to be seen as me, I hope to be seen as someone who loves God first and loves others. When I first wanted to be apart of ministry is was about me. That has changed, partly cause of school and more because of God. I think some of us lose sight of why we are here because we put us first. Could be out of selfishness, could be out of being scared to try something new or jump back on the horse that kicked us off. Is that why minister's leave churches because they lose sight of God's joy and are focused on themselves or forced out because that is how the leadership is? I don't know. I used to be scared of something like that. Not always having a fire, not always being excited. Being forced out because of everything being about me. We'll cross that road when/if it comes. It is a season of life that everyone goes through. Although I don't think everyone recovers from it, they stay in that grey, dead state of life. I know I don't want to be that way.

I have been reading a lot of other blogs and seeing what brings them joy. You can honestly see who has God's joy and who still finds joy in some of the things this world offers. I don't get it. I am as guilty as everyone else and that is what frustrates me. Why does selfishness of joy distract me from a greater joy that is laid in front of me? When do we finally realize and understand that the lives we live isn't about us. Cause if it was, I would be on the beach with a book and headphones for the rest of my life. The life I have learned to live is about loving God, loving others, and helping serve a greater kingdom than I can imagine. True joy comes from one place and until I let myself fully go and realize it, guess I will continue being letdown.

What an awesome experience to be apart of. I am still feeling pains in my legs today, but wow. It was unbelieveable to go through that experience. My time wasn't what I wanted, but I finished. I ran 26.2 miles!!!!

Mentally it was one of the neatest things to know that I was going to finish, my body fought me from time to time and wanted to quit around mile 24/25. At that point, I was not going to give in and gutted it out for the last mile and a half. My sisters and cousin were there to cheer me on and did an awesome job of finding me at different miles. Thank you to them. They are my heroes.

One of the neatest parts of the race beside running....going through the different ethnic parts of the city. Chinatown was my favorite, but to see about a million people coming out to cheer you on was awesome.

When is my next marathon? I have already thought about doing this again. In a way it is addictive and all for the good of growing or to some being insane. I am already thinking of one for around May or June and going to run the Chicago as a group with my sister and cousins.

Thank you all for your prayers. I honestly could not have done it without you. Trust me, hearing that some prayer for me during a certain time, made all the difference in the world. Thank you.

It is finally here!!!! the chicago marathon. all this training and conditioning i have done will finally pay off and i will get to see results of finishing the big race. what a feeling i have already and the race is still a few days away. the comprehension of what i am doing still is small to me, mainly because i have been running for so long to prepare myself for this. my prayer is for strength and endurance. so if anyone wants to come cheer me on, or even praying for me. i will and do greatly appreciate it. one thing that has gotten me this far is, i do it for one audience and God is the only reason my body has not quit. Thank you father for discipline and determination. I will finish the race.

I think I go through this a few times a year. I get in this mood. Where I don't want to talk to anyone. For those that really know me can see right through this and tell that something is wrong. Most of the time those friends call me on it, but it is hard to explain without sounding like I am having a pity party, which I am not. I have this feeling inside that something has changed in me and either I am unwilling to accept it or I just can't figure out what it is. I heard the words today, less of me and more of you God. So simple yet, so profound. I have been praying lately for God to take more of my heart, cause I feel that I have been holding back. I ask for breaking and more of what He wants and less of what I want. During this time, I have been in such a crappy mood. The thing is though, I love all that I am doing, where I am serving, how I am serving and who I am serving. I LOVE MY LIFE. I love all the doors God continues to open and lay before me. I don't think this is an overwhelming feeling, cause I know that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle.

I wonder how God felt serving the way he did. He was never tired of being with others, never said no and always put others before him, ALWAYS. That was one of the reasons he was here for US. I wonder if his heart ever grew tired from giving and giving and giving. Then not seeing the seeds that could have been planted or feeling like his impact was even heard. I know it was, there wouldn't be so many amazing stories if it weren't true. How did he do so much and never ask for anything in return. How did he give and give and give and not ask for one form of affirmation. How can I be taught that my reliance and gratitude for God is all that really matters. But then again, what matters in heaven. Love that phrase. Seriously though, Why do we as a society rely so much on gaining affirmation from others, when God is the one who is pouring out his love on us and we don't even realize it.

I don't know why I get in these funks or whatever you want to call them. I know it is God, cause I can feel him all around me. It is the little things that I see and hear and know. I have gotten quite pissed off during this time about all this talking I do and see others do about waiting for God to show this or that. What direction to go, here or there.

I want to quit asking questions. I just want to go.....

Would you bleed the way Jesus bled for us? Are we willing to let our flesh be torn apart?

I feel like I am all about taking risks right now. Yet, I don't know what to do next. Maybe nothing, maybe something. I don't know.

You see, Seminary is a big risk I am taking right now. I know this cause I can feel myself getting more and more drawn in, but also seeing the frustration and intimidation of feeling like I know nothing at all.

I am taking a risk working with a bunch of Sophomore boys within the youth group. They constantly amaze me. Just a little about them...we are doing Wild at Heart for our study. I have read the book, great book. Anyways, yesterday we were talking about men within our church that are adventurous and wild still. These boys were throwing out a few names that made me "aha" and you know they were exactly right. Sometimes we as christians, me in this case, don't see past what is in front of us. We see with our eyes and nothing else. We don't take in the full picture of what God is showing us. So many times I see so much more of this magnificant picture God is painting for me and other times I am extremely color blind.

I don't feel we as followers of God take enough risks. I think the color blind and the comfort of this world hold us down. I don't want to be held down.

Our hearts are God's and so many times we try to put our hearts into something else and/or someone else. I would say more than half of the time our hearts get smashed. I know for me it is then that I have to build these walls so high and thick that the thought of taking a risk for God is part of that color blindness. Maybe God is holding me back to something bigger than what I am doing right now, but the frustrations and probably some patience. Honestly though seeing the whole picture God is working on is probably a risk in itself I am not taking.

God I wait patiently and humbly for you and your desires. Whether or not you want me to step out or just stop and listen. I am yours. Please help me risk more of me for You and your Kingdom. Your Cause is more than this world is and has to offer.

I'm ALIVE.....are you.....

Finishing up my first week of Seminary tomorrow. Talk about intense and overwhelming. If I look at today and not three weeks from now, I will make it. To far ahead and I start crapping my pants. I know this is where I am suppose to be.

It is peaceful and exciting not having to hide anymore from where God has brought me. I guess my question is how can "we" as followers of God hide from what our true calling is? How can we not do what is intended for the kingdom? Why do we give up so easily take a different road that don't make us happy? Not happy on Earth, but eternally happy? Whatever happened to fighting and giving our all for the ONE TRUE KING.

I know my father has me in his arms and hope by the choices made HE leading me to teaching, tools, and places he wants me to follow. Where is everyone else?

Who is the least? Are you the least, am I the least? Something I haven't thought much about till today. Do you ever hear those sermons that you feel are directed right to you and hit you in the ass hard. Today was that day for me.
For those of you that know me and well even if you don't, I love serving people. I have always been taught to put others first. Even when I don't want to, I tend to have a problem saying no to someone when in need. I have always felt that I need to serve God here and do this good there. Keep myself busy for God, right?
Today the sermon I heard was about Matthew 25:31-46. We have all heard this sermon before. At least that is what I thought. The verses talk about serving others as if they were Jesus himself. Those to the right are saved and those on the left are not. Hopefully we all have done something in the service for God. Knowing this has always been a part of me. Doing good work for God will not only help me grow, but help me when the day of Christ comes. I am know having a servants heart is a part of someone we are asked and choose to be.
Now is the part that blew me away. Who is the least was asked? We always think of others, what about ourselves. Do we ever consider ourselves the least? Do we allow ourselves to come before the throne of God and show him our deepest darkest secret that we know if we share with anyone else, they will probably run. I guess consider this if you were sitting across from Jesus, what do you think the look on his face would be. A lot of what I heard was disappointment. WRONG. This is still hard for me to understand, but COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. We never see the one who has equipped us and chosen us as one of compassion when it comes to our deep dark sins that can continuously hold us down and away. The kicker of this is, He already knows. He already knows what we try to hide behind our back. It is obvious we should know that to, but we don't.
If I were to die today, I have no doubt where I would be going, but am I ready. Not really, because one I haven't finished the race that God has had me start and another reason is I can't say that I have completely come face to face with my deepest, darkest sins that my God has already knows about and washed away. Makes me feel good to know that I have an awesome God of compassion and not one of disappointment.
So again I ask, Who is the least? Sometimes we are and we have to allow ourselves to face what has a hold of us and has hurt us. The best part of that is, HE ALREADY KNOWS and His love is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday. AMEN!!!!

Who is the least? Are you the least, am I the least? Something I haven't thought much about till today. Do you ever hear those sermons that you feel are directed right to you and hit you in the ass hard. Today was that day for me.
For those of you that know me and well even if you don't, I love serving people. I have always been taught to put others first. Even when I don't want to, I tend to have a problem saying no to someone when in need. I have always felt that I need to serve God here and do this good there. Keep myself busy for God, right?
Today the sermon I heard was about Matthew 25:31-46. We have all heard this sermon before. At least that is what I thought. The versuses talk about serving others as if they were Jesus himself. Those to the right are saved and those on the left are not. Hopefully we all have done something in the service for God. Knowing this has always been a part of me. Doing good work for God will not only help me grow, but help me when the day of Christ comes. I am know having a servants heart is a part of someone we are asked and choose to be.
Now is the part that blew me away. Who is the least was asked? We always think of others, what about ourselves. Do we ever consider ourselves the least? Do we allow ourselves to come before the throne of God and show him our deepest darkest secret that we know if we share with anyone else, they will probably run. I guess consider this if you were sitting across from Jesus, what do you think the look on his face would be. A lot of what I heard was dissappointment. WRONG. This is still hard for me to understand, but COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. We never see the one who has equipped us and chosen us as one of compassion when it comes to our deep dark sins that can continuously hold us down and away. The kicker of this is, He already knows. He already knows what we try to hide behind our back. It is obvious we should know that to, but we don't.
If I were to die today, I have no doubt where I would be going, but am I ready. Not really, because one I haven't finished the race that God has had me start and another reason is I can't say that I have completely come face to face with my deepest, darkest sins that my God has already knows about and washed away. Makes me feel good to know that I have an awesome God of compassion and not one of disappointment.
So again I ask, Who is the least? Sometimes we are and we have to allow ourselves to face what has a hold of us and has hurt us. The best part of that is, HE ALREADY KNOWS and His love is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday. AMEN!!!!

Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in, onto the crashing waves.

I wish I could say these words are mine, but there not. Credit goes to Casting Crowns.

My faith has gotten me to where I am today. My faith has made me who I am going to be and who I am not. Why do I question so much still? Why do I let myself stumble day in and day out? Human nature, don't know if I can use that justification anymore. I know perfection is never going to be reached. Nothing new there. My life has begun a new chapter of late with all that I am doing. Am I looking forward to it all, you bet I am. Do I trust God will take care of me, without a doubt. What is the problem then? I am the problem. I get in the way. I, I, I. You see it isn't about me, never has been, never will be. Easy to say that I understand, harder to comprehend and believe. I do believe it, but still I....

It is kind like that saying I heard in a sermon last week, "Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." My life is not in my hands and you know what that is a good thing, cause I would constantly mess it up.

My prayer tonight father is I spend more time listening to you and trusting through the faith you have given me. Strengthen my heart father, cause it hurts right now. Teach/show me a little bit more discipline about getting up earlier to spend with you. What a great way to start the day.

The exhaustion I feel after a week like I had is finally catching up to me. I have a new passion for God to continually push me in. Missions. I spent this past week in Juarez, Mexico, building a house for a family. Along with 48 others we were able to build three houses. It was one of the most intense weeks I have ever been a part of. I always have said that when I finally do go on my first missions trip, I won't want to come back and I will have a new fire in me to continually go somewhere, anywhere God leads me. Well, it happened. I am still overwhelmed with all that went on this week and how we built a house in three days, only God can do!!! This has been more of a building week for me than most CIY's I have been to, mainly because it was real life. God was in each of the people I came in contact with, through there smiles, there hearts, and even through there tears of joy at the end of the week. Everyone on the trip from Westside was there for a reason, I firmly believe that. We all bonded and got along so well. It is really hard to put into words completely.
After a week like this, my thought process is shifting to school. I start in two weeks I think. I find out next week when I register. FINALLY!!!! I do get tired of talking about it and now only one more week till I register and I can finally do what I have been talking about for almost eight years. All in God's timing right or as I like to think, God is seldom early and never late.
Another amazing thing happened this week and I am so stinkin happy about. My best friend from high school and his wife had there first baby. Her name is Ashlyn. She was born a week ago tomorrow and weighed 9 pounds 10 ounces....big baby. I am so happy and proud of them. After finally talking to Danny today, all I could really do was cry tears of joy for him and Amy. I always joke about getting older, but sometimes like today it is alright to be where I am at. Hearing them both talk, I can already tell a difference and it is neat to see. I can't wait to go out to North Carolina in a month. The wait will be hard, but so worth it. Thank you father for bringing life into this world for two people that mean so much to me. I look forward to the next week or so when you do the same for some other friends of mine who are going to be just as good of parents.

It is hard for me not to be excited about all that is going on with my life right now.  My life is a continuous whirl-wind, but there is a good thing about it.  If it were last summer and I was doing all that I am involved in, I would have not made it this far.  My state of mind now and having and knowing God is centered around me has made such a difference.  
 Last week I did something I have never done before.  I had the opportunity of teaching a young adult class.  45 people around my age.  It was different than teaching high school kids.  It was amazing how God worked through me and really how much he has been continuously growing me into what he wants me to be.  In the past after teaching, I would just want to go and hide and not talk to anyone because I would just be mentally baked from teaching.  This time was so much different.  The interaction was so good and my points were simple.  Although that was a night I wish I had more bible teaching than what I know.  School starts in less than a month!!!!! 
 This week I am helping with Vacation Bible School, working with 4 year-olds.  They are so stinkin cute.  I just want to take them with me.  Well not all the time.  They do say the cutest things and they don't even know it.  I am having a great time.
 Next week I go on my first missions trip to Mexico.  We are building a house for a 17 and 19 year old.  Just talking about it and realizing what I have and they don't makes me so sick.  I know this summer I realized that I take for granted all that I have and know that I don't deserve any of it. 
This has been a great summer for me.  God has taught me so much about his kingdom and furthering it more for Him and not for me.  I know that I am running on empty.   And some days really suck and I want nothing to do with anything.  I also know that he has me where he wants me for the time being and I have to think of God and not me.  God has carried me on his back and I am not stopping till he says stop or he is the one peddling the bike and I am helping him.  I don't want someone else to take my place knowing that God has something for me to do to further his Kingdom.  He has me here for a reason and whether I sit and stay still or work my butt off everyday I am His for the taking and making.  The cause is worth giving all I have now, because I know someday I will be able to sleep in a much better place.

Happy Birthday America!!!! Let me tell you how great of a town Rochester, IL is. This has been one of the best weekends here, having all my family and friends around it just made it so wonderful. Not only did the usual party parade and unbelievable fireworks take place, but we had a carnival. I did say a carnival. It was so much fun. My dad also celebrated his birthday. Life is good when you surround yourself with family and great friends on a weekend like this. I have tried so many times to tell others how great the 4th is around here and they don't listen. I think I sold it to a few this weekend. I have heard rumors of Streator having something good, but no comparison. Sorry. Rochester kicks you to the curb in this one.

I leave for CIY tomorrow. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. I have a great group of Sophomore boys to hang out with. We had a prep day yesterday and I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time. We had a race with anything with 3 or more wheels on it. We "found" a shopping cart and turned into The Fast and the Homeless Pimp my Ride Mobile. Bling Bling baby. I am very lucky. Thank you God.

I am someone who likes to go all or nothing. Give it my all and end up with nothing or so I thought. I think sometimes we give what we think is our all and end discouraged, hurt, upset because we didn't see what God was doing. We were always looking for something else and not seeing what God was actually doing. The reason I bring this up is because lately I feel that I have done nothing. Kind of living life of going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, I have had some good times and all that. But honestly feeling that I am giving my all. Not so much. One thing I haven't talked about much is my job. I am working for a landscaping company this summer. Doing manual labor. For those that do know me, probably thinking not something that you would see me do. Sometimes I don't see myself doing what I do, but it has been the best thing for me. It has been a struggle some days. It is also great. I have done some crappy work, in crappy conditions, not to mention the posion ivy I got almost all over my body...I did say almost all over....I hope to say coming out of this job that I gave my all. That I showed up to work everyday, not complaining and as the guys I work with say, "getter done".
So much of my life is on the go. Not as bad as it was while living Chicago, but still always going somewhere, doing something. I don't know though if I have given my all to what I have done. I can't look back on what I have done and I don't want to look towards tomorrow and miss out on giving my all today. God has opened some big doors this summer for me with the youth conference trip in a week or so, a missions trip to mexico(first missions trip ever) in August, and starting seminary in the fall. I guess what I am trying to get at is that I don't want to miss giving my all that I have for God in the smaller things of my life and those around me, because I am to focused on the bigger adventures. I get tired of talking about doing things and going places. I want to give my all and come out with nothing but a deeper and stronger understanding for God.
Tonight at this young adult group I am attending we talked about transformation of the hands. Some of the talk came out of Mark 1 and how the prophets asked Jesus why they were eating without washing there hands first. Skipping ahead to what I got out of it, so many times we look at someone and think they are different or wrong because they did something or think something different than we do. Why can't we just admit that we are as unclean as everyone else. It would make getting along a whole lot easier. When I was praying at the end of group tonight, my mind went blank, I mean unbelievably blank. I can't remember that ever happening. I always am thinking of something, not this time. I don't really remember what I prayed, but I know that it was real, cause I came out of it not so much cleansed, but different, like the spirit was totally moving through the room. I feel like I opened my eyes differently.

I did something today that I have never done before. I spent two plus hours in the car on my way back from Chicago, in complete silence. No music, no phone, no nothing. Just me and the road. It got hard for a while, my mind wondered and I grew tired, but the sense of collective thoughts and peacefulness I had was at times overwhelming. I can't really recall all that I thought about, but it was something I am going to do more of. I love the open road, I love the silence. People have a hard time with silence. I have grown to love it more and more. Plus after living in a 400 square foot apartment, you learn to understand and feed off of the silent/quiet times. The open road is where some of my best thinking and ideas come. Besides other cars and speeding, I don't have distractions going on all around me. No one to talk to and nothing to deal with. I wish I had a computer or something to write out all that thoughts and ideas that go through my head of God, life, love, song-writing, and well everything. Even driving today, I wanted to keep on going. Do something different, quit talking about and just go. To live out this feeling of more instead of talking and wondering when.
I can feel the anticipation and excitement of school building more and more. For a while I was so timid about talking about it and not knowing if this was really it. Kind of surreal and unsure. Over the last few weeks though, I have been reminded of why I am doing what I have cherished so much and have been wanting for years. To know God more. I know all the answers aren't found in school, but it is the direction God has lead me to.
This reminds me of what an old friend told me about Seminary, that it will give me the tools and prepare me for more of life. I miss those talks with this old friend. He was an older friend. Kind of a fatherly-figure. He always knew what to say even when not realizing that he was surrounded by the spirit. I often wonder how his ministry is going and pray that his passion is burning stronger than ever.
Anyways, the other part of the weekend besides moving my sister to Chicago today was being honored to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever seen. Everything was so perfect, including the bride and groom. You can learn so much from watching other couples and after this weekend, I have found one more that models what an awesome God-centered marriage can be like. It makes me more and more excited for what God has planned for me, but I know right now his plans are focused on school alone.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says, "I want to go to the next level." The reason I bring this up is because in the past week I have heard it a few times. What exactly does that mean? I know what people are referring to, but if you look in the bible, no where does it really say anything about going to the next level. It does talk about staying on level ground and the path of righteousness being on level ground. I personally like the level I am on and will continue to stand firm where I am at. I do want to step out though. Step out on the tree limb, take another step on the water, inch that much closer to God. Saying I want to go to the next level is easy, but when you ask someone to step out farther, out of there comfort zone, fear hits. It is that uneasiness in the pit of your stomach saying, no I am happy where I am at. Let me just stay here and wait for God to come to me. We all know that we need to take the first step and have faith by not seeing, but believing. Now onto fear, it is something that I have forgotten about when it comes to God. I was reading through another blog today and it talked about how we have made God through worship a pleasing, peaceful, buddy of a friend God. He is all that and more, but no one talks or sings about the fear of God anymore. It is to real and not happy go lucky or as some might call it a "fluff" talk. It is interesting how we/society won't face our fears today. I include myself in that group. I continually try to figure out what my fears are and maybe what my fear is that I am not fearful of a God who is more than I will ever know or can put into words. So, how does someone understand and taught, become fearful of the God that has been anything but that to him?

I ran my first race of the year this past weekend. I finished a 10 mile race in under an hour and a half, which is I wanted. I missed my personal time by about eight minutes. Something to push myself to do better. I will say it was great to be up running along the lakefront. I really miss that about Chicago. I did get bored running though. Got to figure something out before the marathon. I am doing a few other races before the big one. A little over four months and counting till the marathon. I did enjoy seeing all the others running and had a lot of time for me to think about whatever. Overall it was a good race. To bad my knee and foot are really hurting still. Have to figure out what I did.

Come to me
Maybe I can try this on my own
Come to me
Sometimes I don't know how
Come to me
I'm broken
Come to me
I want you the way you are
Come to me
I keep falling down
Come to me
Stop looking, I am right here
Come to me
I want to be with you
Come to me
I need you
Come to me
Why can't I hear you
Come to me
This doesn't have to be difficult
Come to me
When will this pain end
Come to me
I am right here....

I wouldn't say lately that I have been battling my own mind, but after working today mostly by myself I came to a realization. I miss talking. I miss talking about deeper things in life. I miss talking about God and also hearing about how he is working or how someone is frustrated with life. I miss talking. I miss having to sit and ponder on questions or even questioning a question. Around here it seems so surfacey with who I talk to. I get tired of that. There were a few that I could sit around and talk with for hours and really come out of it going huh or even wanting more. I do get a taste of it here, but not like I yearn for(I like the word yearn)so much more. I got so used to having someone to talk to and help push me. I feel like I have hit a wall and I don't like it. Like I said, I miss talking.

Ever know somebody that could walk into a room and instantly brighten it? Ever meet someone that made an impact on your life with a simple how are you? Do you know anyone that can say the right thing even when you don't want to hear it? How about someone who loves you for who you are? I spent this past weekend in Kentucky with my friends. It was another wedding that I got to gladly be apart of. But this time there was something missing. Something wasn't right. I knew what it was, we all knew what it was. It is so easy to avoid hurt and pain when everything seems so good. It is so easy to block out what you miss the most or don't have. In the past year and a half, I have been a part of a lot of different things with my Kentucky family. I have celebrated joy with them, I have cried tears with all them. Later this summer I will get to be a part of seeing a new creation brought to this world because of them. Yet there is still something missing each time we get together now. I have seen God break each of down in our own ways, but some still can't get a hold of what is true. We found each other and hold strong to each other. Yet, we are not complete because someone has been missing. Chad, we miss you man. Personally, I can't wait to see you in heaven. I pray that all of us one day can be together again.

When do you take I/me out of all you do and start putting God in its place? This past week of work was interesting. Preparing and being on guard at all times was something new. Satan knows how to attack when all is "well". Anyways, the best thing to see was how God was around every move, every thought, every action taken. It is so easy to be on the same page as God, but even easier to put him in your pocket for a while and just enjoy what you think is the good life. My eyes have seen that more and more with those that are around me. It does break my heart when others hurt and don't know you father. What am I doing to help? How am I bringing an alive God into reality? Does a simple hello still work. Can a smile change someone's day enough to make a differfence? I know it can for me.

You ever have those times wehre your mind just goes and goes and goes.....that was my car ride home tonight. I got to spend some time with another friend this afternoon. We caught up on everything and talked about things that were going on in our lives. First I want to say that a few years ago, I never would have thought that I would have changed so much with my thinking about life and all that it is. I do look back to see how God has broken me down, picked me up, broken me down.....the best example I heard is that we are on a downward escalator trying to climb to the top and when we get close, we always fall down....
Anyways, one thing that has gone through my mind since I left today was dealing with performances. Not something I think about a lot, but performing in general and how each person is always in a sense performing for someone or something. Society wants everything to be BIG and expensive. What does God want though? Who are you performing for? So I looked up the word perform in the bible. Came up with around 70 verses. A lot of the verses deal with the presence of God performing miracles and Jesus performing miracles in the new testament. So, it made me think, who do I perform for at work, at home, at church, with friends, when I am alone? Is my mindset on God above and doing acts for him or for myself/society?
Another thought was dealing with reaching the weak and the lost:

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 1 Corinthians 9:22

I can't find the verse I want right now, but God wants to be with the weak and the lost, so where does that put someone like myself. I don't consider myself all great or anything, but where is that line of being righteous and following God to what the bible says about reaching the lost and being among those that aren't saved yet?

One other thing that I thought about was how much I love what I do with working with high school kids. It is amazing to think that I am doing all that I do out of love and not as a job. I can be looked upon as a leader, but not having to know all the answers. I don't always have to be right. I do pray that when I could possibly end up working in a church that I carry the same mindset and do what I love not for the money or my glory, but for the kids and the LOVE OF GOD.

I spent the weekend in Chicago and really enjoyed all I did. I got to see a lot of old faces at a wedding and catch up with all that is going on. I do kind of miss that community of friends and a few that I wish I still kept closer contact with. It was a beautiful wedding to be a part of. I am extremely blessed to be a part of the day that was. I will say one of the coolest things was talking to everyone and seeing how they have come along these past six months and how God continues to work in all they do. It does excite me to see how awesome our father is.
Today I spent the morning at my lil sis's college. She had a sorority brunch and event. I didn't think much of it till I got there. Now you never realize someone growing up until you here stories about he/she. Today I got a good taste of who my lil sis is, she is truly an amazing person. What her friends said about her and how she carries herself....WOW. She is a women beyond her years at times like today, but still she is a baby to me. I am so lucky to have such an awesome little sister like her and a big sis who is just as wonderful.

Had a rainout for work today. Kind of nice, but then again, I was just getting used to getting up early and enjoying being outside. It is a lot of work though, being in the sun and working on landscape. Good times though. Some interesting people I work with....I did find out that the owner is a big time christian, active within his church, so I hope and pray that I am able to go on my CIY trip and possibly a missions trip to Mexico. Never done a missions trip, but now is a better time then ever to start. Still haven't completely decided what to do. I have to figure that out by Sunday. Anyways, I start my summer of weddings this weekend. Should be a good time.
I have hit a point that I want more out of life. More than what I am doing, not only with God, but with all that I do. Part of me feels like that time has come or is coming. I know I just got a job and enjoy being around here, but I am so restless right now, that I don't know what to do. Maybe it is cause today I haven't done much, but then again, maybe I am yearning for more out of life. That desire is burning brightly. I will say that I loved being with the high school kids the other night. I miss that so much. It was so good to be around them and to let myself know that I am going to be around for a few years with them now. Hopefully I can watch the Freshman class through till they graduate...

It is good to be back in familiar surroundings. I think this time at home will be good. I don't know what to expect, so I expect nothing. I think now that I am working, my dad and I won't have as much tension between us....hopefully. It is weird though to be living here again. Never thought I would be back here. It is really nice. I am excited to see what the Lord does this summer and year with me being around the area. I have a good church to attend, a great youth group to help with, and a men's group that has already accepted me back. I am lucky God put so many loving people around me to take care of me and help fill that missing part of me in the community of church.

Went to a bar last night and heard two guys play their guitar. It was really a good show for a small place and the guys were really stinkin good at guitar. I enjoy hearing new music. They were both Independents, so that made it all the more better. I imagine myself doing the same thing soon, if I continue to play.

Well, it has finally happened. I got a jobby-job. I start on Wednesday doing landscaping work. It is a great feeling again. It will work out perfect with school also. I just pray now for where I am going to live till August when I can move in with PJ. I am going to try home, but don't know how I really feel about it. Oh well, I am just so happy to have a job. Thanks God!!!!

Over the past three days, I have been to three different churches that were nothing alike. Friday I went to one in the Lou with my sis. Talk about a charismatic surprise. I don't know if I have ever been to a church like that. It kind of freaked me out. Good sermon....if you like jumping around on like 50 points. Last night I went to PJ's church. It was awesome. I loved the small feeling of being there. Like the message was really speaking to the whole congregation. PJ also did an awesome job in worship. Today I went to Westside. It is so big...I kind of forgot. Not that it was bad, I had to find something in the sermon. The personal feeling wasn't there. Anyways, it was kind of cool to see three completely different churches. I do miss the kids and working with them. Maybe this week I can get a jobby job.
I realized today how depressing it have to over and over again tell everyone that I am not working and really no home right now. Now I am not trying to feel bad for myself, but damn, I get tired of being so upbeat sometimes. I just want to tell them how much this sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I will leave with one of my new favorite verses:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

So I think I might have a job. Oh before I get into this new one, I have to tell say that the other pharmaceutical job probably won't happen. I talked to the lady again yesterday and she said that her concern with me is my "lack of experience". My thoughts were why the hell are you telling me a month later. Way to string me a long you stupid....Anyways, about this other possibility. I have a meeting with a landscaping company on Monday to see about working for them this summer and fall. It would be perfect for me, cause I want to be outside and enjoy the weather, plus I still get Saturday's off. Don't know much else, so some prayers would be awesome. I will share one cool thing about finding out this opportunity. I was having my quiet time this morning, really pouring my heart out to God and the usual frustrations came about, so I let it go and within so many minutes, I found out that they are still hiring. We will see what happens. It is in Springfield too.

It is refreshing to me when I spend time with someone who thinks outside of the box and wants more out of life than living in Springfield, IL. It excites me to know that I am not the only one, actually I knew that already. It is better though when someone close to you feels the same way. For me, I know that if I end up here in Springfield, it won't be my "settling place". Shoot, I am here for however long God wants me and then on to bigger things in life. I won't say better yet, cause who knows if my life wherever I end up will be better or worse. I hope to make it the best I can, but God also has to be in the picture. I have all these dreams that I want to do and places I want to go. Things I want to start and have others come along side me. Is now the right time? I don't think so. Am I ready? Probably more than I give myself credit. All I know right now is God wants me to stand and wait for his will. See to me standing not here in Springfield, St. Louis, or Lexington. It could be anywhere. I just know that when I am ready, he is going to send my life into hyperdrive and I have to be ready for what lies ahead. Right now my life feels that way at times, even though I am not doing much. Honestly, I just want to serve....don't care where, with who, or anything. I feel like I have so much to give out that it is just stuck and I get frustrated. I think having more of a home feeling would be nice to, but still, why am I not doing more? I am sitting here asking myself a question...anyone who reads this probably thinks I am weird, but I don't care. Anyways, I know there is more to this life than what I am doing. I just hope that I am ready for whatever God has instore for me and right now he is preparing me and equipping me.

On a side note, I think Licoln Seminary is a go for the fall....I have to go up there in a week or so to register. WHOO HOO!!!! For those that want to know about Kentucky, my place of living might have fallen through.....

I got this poem/reading from my mom. I don't know where she found it, but I really thought it was a good thing to read and share with others:

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often time we look so long at the closed door we don’t see the one which has been opened for us. Don’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. The happiness of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in your life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Growing up I had a neighbor Bob. Bob was different from the other neighbors around me. He was my hero. I never figured out what it was and still don't know everything about him. Whenever I was outside playing and he would come out, the first words out of his mouth were,"hey cowboy". To this day, I can still hear those words. Now Bob was someone I found to be a man. He used to chew tobacco, swear, and had a horse farm. Talk about a cool guy. He also was a gambler. Which is where I found out how to gamble. Whether it be putting golf balls or playing horse, Bob always won. He taught me how to lose when it comes to gambling. Now I was young and didn't realize all that was going on. I thought I could beat him and maybe once or twice I, but he taught me how to lose. Bob never spoke these profound things, to me, he was Bob. He always was that man that could bring a smile to my face whenever I was out playing. I was his cowboy. Another Bob did for me was teach me about the University of Kentucky and the life down south. To this day I think that is why my dad has a problem with me going there is because I listened to Bob and it bothered my dad. Back to Bob, he had three kids of his own, yet made me feel like I was one. Recently I went to Lexington and got to stay with his wife. We laughed a lot about how growing up next to each other was so great and how things are so different now, but we still have each other. We still talk about Bob as if he were still here and how much of a great guy he was/is.

I don't know if I can compare two people of being the same, but as I am sitting here watching the memorial service for Pat Tillman. The talk of him being a hero is all that has been going through my mind. It makes me think of the heroes in my life. I don't have many, but each that I do have touched me in places of my heart and life.

Pat is a hero to this nation of ours. As much as I said about the frustration of all the news about this man, I realize more what he gave up and how his love for this country and life meant to him. Though his path is different from mine, I can't help but watch and learn of his heart. It makes me wonder how much would I give up. How much I would give up for this country, more importantly how much am I willing to give up for my God. When it comes down to it, I pray that nothing stands in the way of my number one hero, GOD.

In a sense all I can think of rejoicing for the heroes of today and of the past in my life and in others. As I was reading my daily bible verse, this is what today's was:

Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!" Let the sea resound, and all that is in it; let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them! Then the trees of the forest will sing, they will sing for joy before the LORD, for he comes to judge the earth. 1 Chronicles 16:31-33

The joy of the lord is everlasting!!!

Can someone live in complete satisfaction/joy through God alone? I know we can, but honestly, can one person live their entire life finding complete and ultimate satisfaction/joy through God? We are called to seek this and I want this kind of life. Can it or has it been done? With all the distractions of this world is it possible? I know I get distracted by things of this world. We all do. I guess this is a question that I will have to seek out and see if I get any responses also.

I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. Jeremiah 10:23-24

I spent the most of my day out at Cahokia Mounds. It turned out to be a beautiful day as I was driving there. It is hard to put into words how much I did enjoy being out there and really listening and talking to God. I also took some cool pictures. I don't know where I am going to be in a week or a month, what I do know is that the path I am on is HIS and I hope that I continue to see that. This life I have is not mine and I need to realize that more and more. I get so caught up in "things" that I forget who I serve. I have gotten good again at replacing God with things and when he tries to correct me, I think I have been not listening or turning my back. I guess it isn't so much as not listening, just not right away. Guess kind of stubborn and selfish. Like I said, I don't know the answers of where I will be come next week, but what I do know is that God has a freakin awesome plan and path for my life and I am living it out right now. This is his life that I am living and His steps that I am taking...

Now that I have some more time and I an not as much distracted, I can talk more about my day. I realized today, well I have known this everyday, but I like to act like it isn't there. Anyways, I have some things in my life that I need to work out and get through. Everyone does. Here is the deal, these are small things to the world, but obviously bigger things to me if I am dealing with them day in/day out. I know I need to clean house again and get my mind and myself in general in a better state of everything. God has BIGGER things for me. I know this, but how can he show my more when I can't even handle the smaller sins, guilts, life in general things right now. I was serious when I said that run tonight was amazing. I am still overwhelmed by the complete day I had today. It came after a restless, I mean up till around 3:30, night cause my mind was going about 50,000 miles per hour....fast huh. I don't know where I am going to be in a month, hell I don't even know where I will be after this weekend. All I know is that each day is mine and God's together or apart. Only thing is he isn't the one leaving or turning the other direction.
About fasting.....I have never done it before. Okay, I take that back...I have never fasted for a whole day. It does excite me to be doing this. My friend Tim in Iraq is going to be doing it the same day. It didn't occur to me that much until three people have talked about it around me in the past 24 hours. So, here I go. I can't ever set expectations about anything, all I know is that I am truly taking the day and going to spend it outside in nature with God, no phone, no music, no watch, no distractions. Just me, my bible, a book, my camera to take b/w pics, and some water.
One more thing I wanted to write about. I went to church the other day, blame it on a past relationship, blame it on being more observant or attentive, or whatever. The sermon was horrible. I am one who can't ever sit still, but this sermon drove me insane. All I heard were facts. I don't think the minister opened the bible or mentioned the bible once in his sermon. I tried so hard to find good in the sermon. I will say that the worship was wonderful. Plus they had a special presentation with an artist. I learned more and was inspired more from him than the sermon itself.

I fell more in love today....with playing music. I had to run up to Springfield for a dentist appointment and ended up spending the day there. It was truly an awesome day from God. I got to play some music with a friend of mine. Even though I am not all that good, I fell in love more on getting better and wanting more to worship God. I am truly blessed with such awesome friends.

So, I am really leaning towards fasting. As PJ put it, I need to go into "Pro God mode". Not that any other time is different, but really focus and spend the day with God. So, while I was running tonight I decided not to take any music with me and just run and listen. My run went like this:

Put down the music.
I want you here.
Quit trying.
I want you here.
Don't push me away.
I want you here.
Quit talking and listen.
I want you here.
Quit hiding.
I want you here.
Quit running.
I want you here.
I want you here, I want you here.
I love you.



The peace I have felt all day is overwhelming. I am not happy with all that is going on in my life. I am getting restless and bored, but I know that I am loved and being taken care of.

"All that I am is in You."

So today in the news everywhere is about the NFL player turned soldier who was killed. My heart goes out to him and his family. I can't imagine the loss and what they are dealing with. I hope I never have to understand. This is one of those instances where I would hold my head that much higher with so much honor and dignity.
I am having a problem though with the fact that he is getting so much attention when how many others have died before him. I know locally others get the attention, but I can't remember any other soldier that has died getting this much notice. It is sad that we pay more attention to athletes turned soldier than those that have been fighting for there whole life. Don't get me wrong, I got the chills watching all the coverage about the man/hero. It was inspiring in a way also. I understand why he did what he did and love the fact that he hated the spotlight for anything he did. He put his family and his country before anything else. I love that. My family means the world to me also and I hope that I can do the same. My freedom comes from more than my country though. We are so fortunate to have the benefits and luxuries that we don't realize we have.
The culture and society of today sucks. Why can't we have more men fighting like that for our country, for there families, most importantly for our God. This next part is from the recent Men's Health magazine,
"We're a society of men who grew up competing with each other on the playing field being told that "we're all winners," even when we lost. We're a generation most of whom have escaped the hardships of military, where job one of basic training is to beat a man's ego into submission. We're a group of guys who think grunt work is for immigrants, not for us--even though we descended from immigrants who did the grunt work that built this country in the first place. We're a bunch of brats who left school expecting to settle into corner offices and relaxed-fit jeans, and if we don't get that, well then, we will see you in court."
That says to me a lot about how my generation is. Sad isn't it. I can say that I am a part of that. More and more I hate being that way. I want to roll up my sleeves and get dirty, fight for my country, my family, MY GOD. Today's men within the Christian world don't know how to fight, either they haven't been taught or they don't want to take the harder road and learn. Everyone is into today's society taking the easy way out, not taking ownership for things gone wrong, having to much pride. Young Christian men today, and I say that cause I am so old, are into themselves more than other generations. People themselves are into the trendiness of life or trying not to be trendy, but still wanting to stick out for being "different". Now I know so awesome young ministers that don't act this way at all. I don't want to get caught saying all are that way, but so many don't see the big picture that who they are serving has so much more for them and he wants only us and not what we do or what we have.
I am sure my babbling makes little sense to most, but I need to get this frustration out about how so men have died that I know little about. I am so proud of the soldiers. Even though at times I wonder why we are still there. Then I realize that we're trying to finish something that we started instead of quitting in the middle, so a country who lost almost everything has to fix it all themselves.
Sometimes I wish I was over there serving with them. But then again, why serve a country that doesn't care all that much. I know more about the athlete who died today than I do the other 800 or so soldiers that have died. Sad isn't it. It would be one thing if I didn't pay attention to the news, but I do. One of my best friends and cousins(my heroes) are over seas serving a country that really doesn't give a crap in the long run about what we are doing. Everyone comes together when we get our butts kicked....where is that togetherness today. GONE. I guess that is why I am so unbelievably excited that my time here on earth is only a visit and my real home is somewhere so much better--heaven.

I feel like a prisoner in my own world sometimes. I forget about everything and think of poor me and why me. Instead of how great and wonderful I am and my life is. My mind is in constant battle with Satan, my heart is still missing pieces and the walls around it are still up. Better than they were a month ago, a week ago....YES, but fully healed and given to God, man that is tough to say right now. Maybe I feel this way cause I feel like I have been a prisoner in my apartment all day long cause the weather sucks, but even if it was nice, I think my thoughts would still be the same whether it be today or tomorrow. I got a new cd the other day and one of the songs has just grabbed my heart. The song talks about eating off paper plates, when a great feast is always presented to us from God. We don't recognize it half the time or don't want to. Why do we make ourselves prisoners of this world, when there is so much more our Lord offers us and we just get scared or hide. It sickens me, cause I am that way and I don't want to be. I know that I am not that way, but today it seems to be showing more. The feast is ready. Are you going to join me?
All God wants is for us to come to the table with him. Is that so tough? Am I that tough? Not at all. He wants you and I to sit, not talk, LISTEN. Listen to the whispers of his love for us. He has so much more that I can't see past what I don't have right now cause I have put up blinders or sealed that part of my heart off. It has started breaking, but my pride has stopped the healing, when it should have been done so long ago. I can sit here and say this without a problem, cause it is me.
I miss you, it feels like forever. I miss you, it hurts to remember. To remember how happy I was God. How things were and should be now. I miss you. I am tired of hearing me and not you. I am kind of boring to listen to when it is just me. I know I entertain others, but I miss you. I see you all around me, but I don't acknowledge you. I miss you. I am lonely without you, cause I am the one that turns my back. I miss you. Your touch is so sweet and real. I miss you. Your presence is missed, but is always felt. I miss you. When can I come home? I miss you so.

I think everyone needs to visit the zoo. I went today with my sister, mom, and the four year old twins my mom is watching all week. Let me tell you not only are the animals cool....although half were sleeping....anyways it was neat to see them. Also it is a great place to people watch. You see all sorts of interesting people.
I was also reminded of myself today when Lucas, one of the twins, when they got here today. His hair was all messed up and he had rockin cowboy boots on. I always rocked in cowboy boots and my superman shirt. If I figure out how to get my pics on here, I will put that one of me on. I was a good-lookin cool kid back in the day. Don't know what happened.

So I finished reading 5 People You Meet in Heaven today. It took me basically two days to read. Very good book. Made me think of the five people I will meet. I will say the chapter about the dad was very hard, but good for me to read. I have always forgiven my dad for all that he has and hasn't done to/for me. Even now with how things are, I forgive him. I don't know what to say to him though. It will come with time, but right now I am glad I am not around him. Back to the book, the end gave me the chills about HOME. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like and when I will get there, then I think that my time is definately not now, cause I have so much I want to do here. That is why each day is so good to me right now, cause I know it could be my last. Not that I think about it, but I want to live each day with all that I have. Anyways, this was a great book to read and easy at the same time.
About my life of no job still. I am STILL WAITING. I do have another interview tomorrow. A phone interview at that. Something I have never done. At least the weather is still awesome and gives me so much time to run and enjoy the outdoors, I just need some friends around to play.

I realized yesterday that I miss Kentucky a lot. The whole weekend while I was there everyone asked me why I miss and like Lexington so much. Easy answer was it just feels like home to me right now. Longer answer was the people, the friendships I have, the starting something new for myself was big. Not that I won't if I get a job in St. Louis or Springfield, but my family is demanding...NOT BAD IN ANYWAY AT ALL....I want my own life to. I don't want to have the guilt put on me if I don't go over and see my mom or go to my grandma's, although she rocks, so I think I could handle hanging out with a classy lady who knows a hell of a lot more than me. Anyways, I miss that feeling of being in the right place and again that is how Lexington felt. On the other side, Lincoln Christian College is another great place that I want to go. I know more for LCC that it is cause I know the people and I would be able to take off right away. Asbury Seminary is about a half hour from Lexington. Don't know much about it, but it has to be a reasonably good place to attend. A lot of my desire and want to move to Lexington will depend on a job I am waiting patiently to hear back from tomorrow or Tuesday. My friends are all divided on Springfield and Lexington....I know what I want, so I need to listen to my heart and go with what I think.
Also this weekend I realized and actually accepted being single for a while. I already have been for six months, but it really was a peaceful feeling of not caring about having someone right now in my life. I can't even say I have been on a date in about six months either. I have gotten kind of selfish about my space and time. It is okay for now, but I know and will share it down the road. Maybe I will get that dog I have always wanted when I figure out my job status and life for the time being. Anyways, I am very content on being single and having fun with the great friends around me, plus that gives God all the attention he deserves.
One more thing and then I gots to go.....Weddings!!!! I mean seriously I have more freakin weddings this summer. Unfortunately I have two weddings on the same day twice and can't attend at least one of them. Two are in the same town for one day and the other is Chicago and Springfield. I figured out today that I have six or seven again this summer. I think that makes around twenty-five over the last three years. It is honestly tough being this popular....ya right.......I do feel honored to have been asked to be in two of them. One I will be standing and the other I will be doing a reading. Last summer was a fun summer for weddings, I think this summer might be tougher though. Oh well, it is all about having a good time and seeing friends you don't get to see often. I hope and pray after this summer that my numbers will decrease, I am running out of friends who aren't married, me still happily being one of them.

I am bored right now. Not just this minute, but with my life. I feel like I am waiting around for something to happen and well I need to do something myself. I am waiting to find out about a job that would be great for me. Next week I find out for sure. I have come to the realization that my relationship with my mom and dad will never be the same after what happened between my dad and I. After being home this past weekend, I realized I was not happy being in that house anymore. I love both of my parents so much and know they feel the same, but I don't feel welcome there at all. I know that if this job does work out, that I will be close to them and am afraid of what it could be like. I also know that I have my own life and I am able to walk away and not feel like I need to talk to or be around them anymore. I know my dad doesn't want me to live with them. He just assumed me not even staying for weekends, just a day and he would be happy. It isn't that he doesn't like me, I just feel that he wants an independant life with my mom and not deal with us at home.
On to more enjoyable things about my life right now. Hmmm.....I workout for about two-three hours a day which includes my running. I am entering a few other races before the marathon. A ten mile and probably a couple of 5k. I have been reading some, but not as much as I want to. My bible is becoming more and more exciting to me. I am reading in Colossians right now. I feel like Paul more and more each day, well with out getting beaten on the outside. On the inside, everyday it feels like a battle. I am dealing and learning how to fight back. For a time there I think I forgot and now am refreshed to continue. I am also reading a book by Thomas Merton. Haven't read to much yet, but have found a few things that have made me stop and think about life. Everyday I realize I don't need anything I have. The problem is I keep buying into what the world says and think that things matter. It sucks at times, but I am learning to move beyond all that.
My friend Tim called from Iraq the other day. I missed the call, cause I was in the other room. I miss the guy so much. I didn't realize how important his friendship was to me till he left. He is doing well though and sounds like being away has already changed so much about him and his faith. Same as B. Simkins, I miss the guy a lot. I know we didn't see each other much, but when we did, I always left feeling like I knew more and had chipped more away from not understanding something about God and my faith. I am excited that I will be in Chicago in a week or so. Should be good to see a few friends that I haven't seen for a while.
So my day in a nutshell is boring. I do like having my own agenda of not much, but it also gets boring when you don't know many people yet. It is really God and I, throw in my sister to since I live with her. She is pretty awesome for letting me crash here till I figure out what I am doing. That is another question I have been asking myself a lot. What do I want to?

It is hard to put into words right now how I feel about everything. I am not happy with me or what is around me. I know I have talked about this before, but I can't get out of this funk that I am in and it is pissing me off more and more. It also doesn't help that my dad and I said less than ten words to each other this weekend. Oh well, the choice I made not to talk to him. I don't care about much right now which isn't me. I am honestly having a hard time with life right now. I know it isn't easy, but this is just shit to me. To be honest if I didn't have as much faith in God as I do, I don't know where I would be or what I would do. I know a job isn't the answer to everything, but at least it would help some. I spent this weekend with all my friends. It was the best thing for me, although it was also really hard. I look at them and how happy they are being married and some have kids on the way. How can I not be jealous. There is so much more to the life I have and I can't seem to find the way to get there. I feel dead to this world and don't know what to do right now.

Lonliness has been such a part of me lately. More and more than I have felt in a long time. I was reminded last night sitting and talking with some friends from home about The Passion. It has been a while since I have talked about it as much as we did. It brought back all the images I have already seen and know. It brought back the pain of watching what my father did for me. It also gave me hope that He did that for me. Sometimes I ask why me and still haven't gotten an answer. Don't know if I will ever get a direct answer without seeing, but believing it is enough for me to continue to move on and fight this world till the very end of my time.

Ever have those time where you don't feel welcome or that you just don't fit in. That is how I feel right now. I don't know where I fit in, not that I want to exactly fit in, but I don't know what is going on with me. I feel like I am in this grey zone and don't know how to get out. It tends to drive me crazy every once in a while and today is one of those days. I am fortunate that it is beautiful out and I was able to run for a while. That seems to calm my anxieties most of the time. I am in this whirlwind of my life and I can't seem to find the right way out right now. It sucks. As I was driving home from Kentucky yesterday I found a sermon on the radio. Got to love those radio broadcasts. Well I was listening to the guy speaking and he said one thing that stands out in my mind and heart right now, "You are to BLESSED to be depressed." How true is that. Even though I can't see all the good around me, I know that I am so blessed. Everyone goes through these rough times, I feel that mine hasn't stopped for about, well I can't remember when. It just seems like I have been this way for a long time now. The most frustrating part is I know what I need to do and for some reason my heart isn't all there still. I feel like I am still missing some of heart and it sucks. As you can tell today is a sucky day for me, even though all is great around me, I feel like being pissed off.

I never appreciated running so much in Chicago till I yesterday and today. I know St. Louis isn't completely hilly, but it is not as flat as Chicago is. I didn't realize I was that out of shape till these past two days. Even biking yesterday, I got winded. I guess all the training for the marathon, which I am planning on running in October will pay off by running these hills in Missoura, I mean Missioury, I mean......Anyone is welcome to run some of the marathon with me in October. I am always looking for recruitments to help push me till the end. Maybe I can run the some races in some 'Roos for Brian.

well, living in chicago is offically over for me at the time being. i moved out today and am living out of my car for a while now, actually in st. louis and where ever i end up. it is kind of exciting, but also scary. i don't know what i am going to do right now. i do know i made the right decision. i have such great peace about this, but am scared to death of where things are going to go from here on out. i just have to trust that god is taking care of me, knowing that he has an awesome plan for me. i am open to going wherever the road to take me.

Is it wrong to get a huge sense of peace and confidence after getting in a fight with someone. Well, that is how I feel after what happened with my dad and I last night. We got into it hardcore. I am moving back to Rochester, hoping to live with my parents, but that went down the crapper after the night I had with my dad. I am not even angry with him anymore, I honestly hurt and feel so bad for him and his drinking problem. It is and continues to take his life and separate the rest of my family from him. I just want to shake him and hope he would open his eyes. It is funny how God works, so much that my bible verse today was:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be
sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with
blessing, because to this you were called so that you may
inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see
good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from
deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he
must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are
on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

1 Peter 3:8-12

That God of mine is a funny, funny guy. I honestly do feel like I lost a part of me last night and it was my relationship with my dad for the time being. I have to let go and just give it to God. I can't fight this one anymore. It is killing me inside. I just have to continue to pray for him. It scares me, cause at times, I don't even want to do that for him. IT SUCKS GROWING UP.......
Thanks God!!!!!!!

So I have been in hiding the past few days from the loss of my home, my love, my faithful Kentucky Wildcats.....I am still dumbfounded that they lost a game to UAB.....what the heck.....as my sister thought "University of Ala Bama" seriously though....all I got to say is GO COWBOYS!!! and GO 'CUSE!!!!!(for you Jamie).....

I feel all I do is write serious stuff on here. Today's beginning will be no exception, but then will enlighten all with my NCAA final four.....
i had a few friends growing up that always got me in trouble. they were those friends that you loved to hate at times. we would hang around and get in the way of things. mess up parts of my day and others around them. at times they seemed like fun, but ended getting me in trouble everytime i was with them. my parents always knew who i was with when i did get in trouble, cause it was always the same two that i was with. they were good friends, that would give you the momentary fun, but after a while the concequences would set in. kind of like sin that i deal with in my life. it is that momentary pleasures of the world. sin would sneak into my day and make things go wrongly. all was my own doing and i know what i needed to do to change. confess and then ask for god to forgive me. it wasn't the forgiveness was the problem, i have always been harder on myself than anyone else....the guilt of it all. even with these friends....which by the way one of these guys is truly one of my best friends now and he even says we were stupid back in the day. it is refreshing when you feel like you burn away your sin and feel free from it. kind of like making the choice to not go along with others when you know that you could get in trouble.

FINAL FOUR.....KENTUCKY, DUKE, UCONN, OKLA. ST
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.....KENTUCKY vs. DUKE...................GO 'CATS!!!!!!!

I have never won a wrestling match in my life. Seriously, all the fights that God and I have had or wrestled over he has won. Not that it is bad and I don't think I ever want to win, but for the millionth time last night he won again. It was one of those nights were it sucks being alone, but you don't want to be with anyone. At least that is how I felt. Even today I feel like I am trying to fight more and more about what my future looks like. I don't want to know, I only want to trust that any decision I make will be one that I can learn and grow from. I spent about an hour or so writing about what was on my mind and what pissed me off about this world. I will end up pasting it on to my blog, but right now it is on another computer. I hate not knowing. What you might ask, just not knowing. I know what I need to know about life right now, but it doesn't feel like enough. I guess what I am trying to say is I want more. I want to know more. I don't want to cheat myself of anything or skip one thing or another. I just want more out of life than I feel I am getting right now or letting myself get cause I am being lazy or just stupid....

Growing up the way I have communicating everything and anything with my family. It is hard to imagine being 2 years old and only knowing five to ten words. Not only that, but how to let others know what you want. Part of me thinks that my cousins child just wants to tell us to go to hell, cause we can't understand a word she is saying. Lydia is so sweet and innocent, that it is getting harder and harder for me not think that there is a serious problem. So that brings me to something I have always loved to get feedback from is, would you rather be deaf or blind? For me, it all comes down to music. I don't know if I could handle not hearing music. I think in the world today, not seeing all the hurt and the pain would be easier to let go of. But you still would hear it all and unfortunately know what it sounds like to be in pain. Music is a part of my life, better worship no matter what the music may be is something very important to me.
One thing I failed to mention the other day was, that after reading and praying that the airport, when I opened my eyes and looked around me. Everyone for that split second looked different. Different being out of love from my heart. All these people sitting at the airport and I have no idea what they believe or where they were from, but I did know that God loved them all no matter if they wanted to return the love.
It is tough being on vacation. I wish my life at times was only a vacation. It would be too easy though. This trip has taught me a lot and has showed me more that I ever could have imagined. It is a good relief to get away, but knowing that the weather I am going back in....that is what really sucks.

God works in ways I still am in awe of. I never would have thought that sitting at an airport reading, would be the place to change my heart and all that I have been feeling lately. I probably could have broke down and cried, but I was getting ready to board a plane. Finishing a book is always great, but when it is something that I felt I was apart of, it was hard to shut the last chapter. Why do we as christians struggle with "unconditional" love. I put it in quotes because I feel it has been tossed around just about as much as what a christian is. I was taught growing up to love unconditionally with guidelines....why? Why is it so hard to love outright someone even when you don't agree with things they do. God loved everyone. Why can't I. More importantly why can't I love myself. That is what was so hard to read about today for me. I haven't been loving myself...part of me doesn't know how. If I can't love myself, how can I let others love me? I realized today that the lack of love for myself has been the basis of all my frustrations with my life and what I am doing....job, living, money, friends. My prayer is to love myself, in a humble and lesser pride kind of way. I also need to love others, which I have learned working at my job. Everyone is so different and diverse, I love it. I hope though that they are seeing the real. I also realized I need to listen more and talk less. I used to be so good at this. What a glorious day in the sun it has been.

This is the beginning of blogger for me. I have heard about it through other friends and thought I would give it a try. At this point I don't know what to write, but I am and will come up with enough down the road to keep myself busy.

Does anyone ever really know what they want to do or what they are suppose to do? WHen does that time hit when you think you know isn't right and you second guess yourself? Or do you tough it out and see where God leads you. Sometimes I think I know what I am doing with my life and other times I don't have a clue, which is normal. I know this. My problem is other people think they know what is best for me. Tonight for the first time I felt like I was given freedom with what I do. Not that I haven't had it before, but I have always felt I needed to please others and do what everyone else wanted me to do. I think I finally got tired of fighting for that and wanted to fight for myself. It is kind of selfish, but still I want to go to school, I want to learn more, I don't care about a job or money, although I need both to survive right now. I have more important things to do than stand behind a cash register and ask people how they are doing today. I want more to this life and there is so much more. I am now realizing that. God has given me so much to offer and I have as my dad put it procrastinated for a while about school and my life. He was right, I felt blame, but it isn't even that. I have put things off long enough that all this desire and want to be fed is kicking me more and more to get my butt to school. It is easy to say God's timing is seldom early and never late, because there is no time with him. My point is I need also get my ass in gear to get things done if I want results. I am all grows up. One more question that has been eating at me lately, where is my community? What is real community? Okay two questions.