I am someone who likes to go all or nothing. Give it my all and end up with nothing or so I thought. I think sometimes we give what we think is our all and end discouraged, hurt, upset because we didn't see what God was doing. We were always looking for something else and not seeing what God was actually doing. The reason I bring this up is because lately I feel that I have done nothing. Kind of living life of going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, I have had some good times and all that. But honestly feeling that I am giving my all. Not so much. One thing I haven't talked about much is my job. I am working for a landscaping company this summer. Doing manual labor. For those that do know me, probably thinking not something that you would see me do. Sometimes I don't see myself doing what I do, but it has been the best thing for me. It has been a struggle some days. It is also great. I have done some crappy work, in crappy conditions, not to mention the posion ivy I got almost all over my body...I did say almost all over....I hope to say coming out of this job that I gave my all. That I showed up to work everyday, not complaining and as the guys I work with say, "getter done".
So much of my life is on the go. Not as bad as it was while living Chicago, but still always going somewhere, doing something. I don't know though if I have given my all to what I have done. I can't look back on what I have done and I don't want to look towards tomorrow and miss out on giving my all today. God has opened some big doors this summer for me with the youth conference trip in a week or so, a missions trip to mexico(first missions trip ever) in August, and starting seminary in the fall. I guess what I am trying to get at is that I don't want to miss giving my all that I have for God in the smaller things of my life and those around me, because I am to focused on the bigger adventures. I get tired of talking about doing things and going places. I want to give my all and come out with nothing but a deeper and stronger understanding for God.
Tonight at this young adult group I am attending we talked about transformation of the hands. Some of the talk came out of Mark 1 and how the prophets asked Jesus why they were eating without washing there hands first. Skipping ahead to what I got out of it, so many times we look at someone and think they are different or wrong because they did something or think something different than we do. Why can't we just admit that we are as unclean as everyone else. It would make getting along a whole lot easier. When I was praying at the end of group tonight, my mind went blank, I mean unbelievably blank. I can't remember that ever happening. I always am thinking of something, not this time. I don't really remember what I prayed, but I know that it was real, cause I came out of it not so much cleansed, but different, like the spirit was totally moving through the room. I feel like I opened my eyes differently.

I did something today that I have never done before. I spent two plus hours in the car on my way back from Chicago, in complete silence. No music, no phone, no nothing. Just me and the road. It got hard for a while, my mind wondered and I grew tired, but the sense of collective thoughts and peacefulness I had was at times overwhelming. I can't really recall all that I thought about, but it was something I am going to do more of. I love the open road, I love the silence. People have a hard time with silence. I have grown to love it more and more. Plus after living in a 400 square foot apartment, you learn to understand and feed off of the silent/quiet times. The open road is where some of my best thinking and ideas come. Besides other cars and speeding, I don't have distractions going on all around me. No one to talk to and nothing to deal with. I wish I had a computer or something to write out all that thoughts and ideas that go through my head of God, life, love, song-writing, and well everything. Even driving today, I wanted to keep on going. Do something different, quit talking about and just go. To live out this feeling of more instead of talking and wondering when.
I can feel the anticipation and excitement of school building more and more. For a while I was so timid about talking about it and not knowing if this was really it. Kind of surreal and unsure. Over the last few weeks though, I have been reminded of why I am doing what I have cherished so much and have been wanting for years. To know God more. I know all the answers aren't found in school, but it is the direction God has lead me to.
This reminds me of what an old friend told me about Seminary, that it will give me the tools and prepare me for more of life. I miss those talks with this old friend. He was an older friend. Kind of a fatherly-figure. He always knew what to say even when not realizing that he was surrounded by the spirit. I often wonder how his ministry is going and pray that his passion is burning stronger than ever.
Anyways, the other part of the weekend besides moving my sister to Chicago today was being honored to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever seen. Everything was so perfect, including the bride and groom. You can learn so much from watching other couples and after this weekend, I have found one more that models what an awesome God-centered marriage can be like. It makes me more and more excited for what God has planned for me, but I know right now his plans are focused on school alone.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says, "I want to go to the next level." The reason I bring this up is because in the past week I have heard it a few times. What exactly does that mean? I know what people are referring to, but if you look in the bible, no where does it really say anything about going to the next level. It does talk about staying on level ground and the path of righteousness being on level ground. I personally like the level I am on and will continue to stand firm where I am at. I do want to step out though. Step out on the tree limb, take another step on the water, inch that much closer to God. Saying I want to go to the next level is easy, but when you ask someone to step out farther, out of there comfort zone, fear hits. It is that uneasiness in the pit of your stomach saying, no I am happy where I am at. Let me just stay here and wait for God to come to me. We all know that we need to take the first step and have faith by not seeing, but believing. Now onto fear, it is something that I have forgotten about when it comes to God. I was reading through another blog today and it talked about how we have made God through worship a pleasing, peaceful, buddy of a friend God. He is all that and more, but no one talks or sings about the fear of God anymore. It is to real and not happy go lucky or as some might call it a "fluff" talk. It is interesting how we/society won't face our fears today. I include myself in that group. I continually try to figure out what my fears are and maybe what my fear is that I am not fearful of a God who is more than I will ever know or can put into words. So, how does someone understand and taught, become fearful of the God that has been anything but that to him?

I ran my first race of the year this past weekend. I finished a 10 mile race in under an hour and a half, which is I wanted. I missed my personal time by about eight minutes. Something to push myself to do better. I will say it was great to be up running along the lakefront. I really miss that about Chicago. I did get bored running though. Got to figure something out before the marathon. I am doing a few other races before the big one. A little over four months and counting till the marathon. I did enjoy seeing all the others running and had a lot of time for me to think about whatever. Overall it was a good race. To bad my knee and foot are really hurting still. Have to figure out what I did.

Come to me
Maybe I can try this on my own
Come to me
Sometimes I don't know how
Come to me
I'm broken
Come to me
I want you the way you are
Come to me
I keep falling down
Come to me
Stop looking, I am right here
Come to me
I want to be with you
Come to me
I need you
Come to me
Why can't I hear you
Come to me
This doesn't have to be difficult
Come to me
When will this pain end
Come to me
I am right here....

I wouldn't say lately that I have been battling my own mind, but after working today mostly by myself I came to a realization. I miss talking. I miss talking about deeper things in life. I miss talking about God and also hearing about how he is working or how someone is frustrated with life. I miss talking. I miss having to sit and ponder on questions or even questioning a question. Around here it seems so surfacey with who I talk to. I get tired of that. There were a few that I could sit around and talk with for hours and really come out of it going huh or even wanting more. I do get a taste of it here, but not like I yearn for(I like the word yearn)so much more. I got so used to having someone to talk to and help push me. I feel like I have hit a wall and I don't like it. Like I said, I miss talking.

Ever know somebody that could walk into a room and instantly brighten it? Ever meet someone that made an impact on your life with a simple how are you? Do you know anyone that can say the right thing even when you don't want to hear it? How about someone who loves you for who you are? I spent this past weekend in Kentucky with my friends. It was another wedding that I got to gladly be apart of. But this time there was something missing. Something wasn't right. I knew what it was, we all knew what it was. It is so easy to avoid hurt and pain when everything seems so good. It is so easy to block out what you miss the most or don't have. In the past year and a half, I have been a part of a lot of different things with my Kentucky family. I have celebrated joy with them, I have cried tears with all them. Later this summer I will get to be a part of seeing a new creation brought to this world because of them. Yet there is still something missing each time we get together now. I have seen God break each of down in our own ways, but some still can't get a hold of what is true. We found each other and hold strong to each other. Yet, we are not complete because someone has been missing. Chad, we miss you man. Personally, I can't wait to see you in heaven. I pray that all of us one day can be together again.

When do you take I/me out of all you do and start putting God in its place? This past week of work was interesting. Preparing and being on guard at all times was something new. Satan knows how to attack when all is "well". Anyways, the best thing to see was how God was around every move, every thought, every action taken. It is so easy to be on the same page as God, but even easier to put him in your pocket for a while and just enjoy what you think is the good life. My eyes have seen that more and more with those that are around me. It does break my heart when others hurt and don't know you father. What am I doing to help? How am I bringing an alive God into reality? Does a simple hello still work. Can a smile change someone's day enough to make a differfence? I know it can for me.

You ever have those times wehre your mind just goes and goes and goes.....that was my car ride home tonight. I got to spend some time with another friend this afternoon. We caught up on everything and talked about things that were going on in our lives. First I want to say that a few years ago, I never would have thought that I would have changed so much with my thinking about life and all that it is. I do look back to see how God has broken me down, picked me up, broken me down.....the best example I heard is that we are on a downward escalator trying to climb to the top and when we get close, we always fall down....
Anyways, one thing that has gone through my mind since I left today was dealing with performances. Not something I think about a lot, but performing in general and how each person is always in a sense performing for someone or something. Society wants everything to be BIG and expensive. What does God want though? Who are you performing for? So I looked up the word perform in the bible. Came up with around 70 verses. A lot of the verses deal with the presence of God performing miracles and Jesus performing miracles in the new testament. So, it made me think, who do I perform for at work, at home, at church, with friends, when I am alone? Is my mindset on God above and doing acts for him or for myself/society?
Another thought was dealing with reaching the weak and the lost:

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 1 Corinthians 9:22

I can't find the verse I want right now, but God wants to be with the weak and the lost, so where does that put someone like myself. I don't consider myself all great or anything, but where is that line of being righteous and following God to what the bible says about reaching the lost and being among those that aren't saved yet?

One other thing that I thought about was how much I love what I do with working with high school kids. It is amazing to think that I am doing all that I do out of love and not as a job. I can be looked upon as a leader, but not having to know all the answers. I don't always have to be right. I do pray that when I could possibly end up working in a church that I carry the same mindset and do what I love not for the money or my glory, but for the kids and the LOVE OF GOD.

I spent the weekend in Chicago and really enjoyed all I did. I got to see a lot of old faces at a wedding and catch up with all that is going on. I do kind of miss that community of friends and a few that I wish I still kept closer contact with. It was a beautiful wedding to be a part of. I am extremely blessed to be a part of the day that was. I will say one of the coolest things was talking to everyone and seeing how they have come along these past six months and how God continues to work in all they do. It does excite me to see how awesome our father is.
Today I spent the morning at my lil sis's college. She had a sorority brunch and event. I didn't think much of it till I got there. Now you never realize someone growing up until you here stories about he/she. Today I got a good taste of who my lil sis is, she is truly an amazing person. What her friends said about her and how she carries herself....WOW. She is a women beyond her years at times like today, but still she is a baby to me. I am so lucky to have such an awesome little sister like her and a big sis who is just as wonderful.

Had a rainout for work today. Kind of nice, but then again, I was just getting used to getting up early and enjoying being outside. It is a lot of work though, being in the sun and working on landscape. Good times though. Some interesting people I work with....I did find out that the owner is a big time christian, active within his church, so I hope and pray that I am able to go on my CIY trip and possibly a missions trip to Mexico. Never done a missions trip, but now is a better time then ever to start. Still haven't completely decided what to do. I have to figure that out by Sunday. Anyways, I start my summer of weddings this weekend. Should be a good time.
I have hit a point that I want more out of life. More than what I am doing, not only with God, but with all that I do. Part of me feels like that time has come or is coming. I know I just got a job and enjoy being around here, but I am so restless right now, that I don't know what to do. Maybe it is cause today I haven't done much, but then again, maybe I am yearning for more out of life. That desire is burning brightly. I will say that I loved being with the high school kids the other night. I miss that so much. It was so good to be around them and to let myself know that I am going to be around for a few years with them now. Hopefully I can watch the Freshman class through till they graduate...

It is good to be back in familiar surroundings. I think this time at home will be good. I don't know what to expect, so I expect nothing. I think now that I am working, my dad and I won't have as much tension between us....hopefully. It is weird though to be living here again. Never thought I would be back here. It is really nice. I am excited to see what the Lord does this summer and year with me being around the area. I have a good church to attend, a great youth group to help with, and a men's group that has already accepted me back. I am lucky God put so many loving people around me to take care of me and help fill that missing part of me in the community of church.

Went to a bar last night and heard two guys play their guitar. It was really a good show for a small place and the guys were really stinkin good at guitar. I enjoy hearing new music. They were both Independents, so that made it all the more better. I imagine myself doing the same thing soon, if I continue to play.

Well, it has finally happened. I got a jobby-job. I start on Wednesday doing landscaping work. It is a great feeling again. It will work out perfect with school also. I just pray now for where I am going to live till August when I can move in with PJ. I am going to try home, but don't know how I really feel about it. Oh well, I am just so happy to have a job. Thanks God!!!!

Over the past three days, I have been to three different churches that were nothing alike. Friday I went to one in the Lou with my sis. Talk about a charismatic surprise. I don't know if I have ever been to a church like that. It kind of freaked me out. Good sermon....if you like jumping around on like 50 points. Last night I went to PJ's church. It was awesome. I loved the small feeling of being there. Like the message was really speaking to the whole congregation. PJ also did an awesome job in worship. Today I went to Westside. It is so big...I kind of forgot. Not that it was bad, I had to find something in the sermon. The personal feeling wasn't there. Anyways, it was kind of cool to see three completely different churches. I do miss the kids and working with them. Maybe this week I can get a jobby job.
I realized today how depressing it have to over and over again tell everyone that I am not working and really no home right now. Now I am not trying to feel bad for myself, but damn, I get tired of being so upbeat sometimes. I just want to tell them how much this sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I will leave with one of my new favorite verses:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

So I think I might have a job. Oh before I get into this new one, I have to tell say that the other pharmaceutical job probably won't happen. I talked to the lady again yesterday and she said that her concern with me is my "lack of experience". My thoughts were why the hell are you telling me a month later. Way to string me a long you stupid....Anyways, about this other possibility. I have a meeting with a landscaping company on Monday to see about working for them this summer and fall. It would be perfect for me, cause I want to be outside and enjoy the weather, plus I still get Saturday's off. Don't know much else, so some prayers would be awesome. I will share one cool thing about finding out this opportunity. I was having my quiet time this morning, really pouring my heart out to God and the usual frustrations came about, so I let it go and within so many minutes, I found out that they are still hiring. We will see what happens. It is in Springfield too.

It is refreshing to me when I spend time with someone who thinks outside of the box and wants more out of life than living in Springfield, IL. It excites me to know that I am not the only one, actually I knew that already. It is better though when someone close to you feels the same way. For me, I know that if I end up here in Springfield, it won't be my "settling place". Shoot, I am here for however long God wants me and then on to bigger things in life. I won't say better yet, cause who knows if my life wherever I end up will be better or worse. I hope to make it the best I can, but God also has to be in the picture. I have all these dreams that I want to do and places I want to go. Things I want to start and have others come along side me. Is now the right time? I don't think so. Am I ready? Probably more than I give myself credit. All I know right now is God wants me to stand and wait for his will. See to me standing not here in Springfield, St. Louis, or Lexington. It could be anywhere. I just know that when I am ready, he is going to send my life into hyperdrive and I have to be ready for what lies ahead. Right now my life feels that way at times, even though I am not doing much. Honestly, I just want to serve....don't care where, with who, or anything. I feel like I have so much to give out that it is just stuck and I get frustrated. I think having more of a home feeling would be nice to, but still, why am I not doing more? I am sitting here asking myself a question...anyone who reads this probably thinks I am weird, but I don't care. Anyways, I know there is more to this life than what I am doing. I just hope that I am ready for whatever God has instore for me and right now he is preparing me and equipping me.

On a side note, I think Licoln Seminary is a go for the fall....I have to go up there in a week or so to register. WHOO HOO!!!! For those that want to know about Kentucky, my place of living might have fallen through.....

I got this poem/reading from my mom. I don't know where she found it, but I really thought it was a good thing to read and share with others:

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often time we look so long at the closed door we don’t see the one which has been opened for us. Don’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy. The happiness of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in your life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Growing up I had a neighbor Bob. Bob was different from the other neighbors around me. He was my hero. I never figured out what it was and still don't know everything about him. Whenever I was outside playing and he would come out, the first words out of his mouth were,"hey cowboy". To this day, I can still hear those words. Now Bob was someone I found to be a man. He used to chew tobacco, swear, and had a horse farm. Talk about a cool guy. He also was a gambler. Which is where I found out how to gamble. Whether it be putting golf balls or playing horse, Bob always won. He taught me how to lose when it comes to gambling. Now I was young and didn't realize all that was going on. I thought I could beat him and maybe once or twice I, but he taught me how to lose. Bob never spoke these profound things, to me, he was Bob. He always was that man that could bring a smile to my face whenever I was out playing. I was his cowboy. Another Bob did for me was teach me about the University of Kentucky and the life down south. To this day I think that is why my dad has a problem with me going there is because I listened to Bob and it bothered my dad. Back to Bob, he had three kids of his own, yet made me feel like I was one. Recently I went to Lexington and got to stay with his wife. We laughed a lot about how growing up next to each other was so great and how things are so different now, but we still have each other. We still talk about Bob as if he were still here and how much of a great guy he was/is.

I don't know if I can compare two people of being the same, but as I am sitting here watching the memorial service for Pat Tillman. The talk of him being a hero is all that has been going through my mind. It makes me think of the heroes in my life. I don't have many, but each that I do have touched me in places of my heart and life.

Pat is a hero to this nation of ours. As much as I said about the frustration of all the news about this man, I realize more what he gave up and how his love for this country and life meant to him. Though his path is different from mine, I can't help but watch and learn of his heart. It makes me wonder how much would I give up. How much I would give up for this country, more importantly how much am I willing to give up for my God. When it comes down to it, I pray that nothing stands in the way of my number one hero, GOD.

In a sense all I can think of rejoicing for the heroes of today and of the past in my life and in others. As I was reading my daily bible verse, this is what today's was:

Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let them say among the nations, "The LORD reigns!" Let the sea resound, and all that is in it; let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them! Then the trees of the forest will sing, they will sing for joy before the LORD, for he comes to judge the earth. 1 Chronicles 16:31-33

The joy of the lord is everlasting!!!

Can someone live in complete satisfaction/joy through God alone? I know we can, but honestly, can one person live their entire life finding complete and ultimate satisfaction/joy through God? We are called to seek this and I want this kind of life. Can it or has it been done? With all the distractions of this world is it possible? I know I get distracted by things of this world. We all do. I guess this is a question that I will have to seek out and see if I get any responses also.

I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. Jeremiah 10:23-24

I spent the most of my day out at Cahokia Mounds. It turned out to be a beautiful day as I was driving there. It is hard to put into words how much I did enjoy being out there and really listening and talking to God. I also took some cool pictures. I don't know where I am going to be in a week or a month, what I do know is that the path I am on is HIS and I hope that I continue to see that. This life I have is not mine and I need to realize that more and more. I get so caught up in "things" that I forget who I serve. I have gotten good again at replacing God with things and when he tries to correct me, I think I have been not listening or turning my back. I guess it isn't so much as not listening, just not right away. Guess kind of stubborn and selfish. Like I said, I don't know the answers of where I will be come next week, but what I do know is that God has a freakin awesome plan and path for my life and I am living it out right now. This is his life that I am living and His steps that I am taking...

Now that I have some more time and I an not as much distracted, I can talk more about my day. I realized today, well I have known this everyday, but I like to act like it isn't there. Anyways, I have some things in my life that I need to work out and get through. Everyone does. Here is the deal, these are small things to the world, but obviously bigger things to me if I am dealing with them day in/day out. I know I need to clean house again and get my mind and myself in general in a better state of everything. God has BIGGER things for me. I know this, but how can he show my more when I can't even handle the smaller sins, guilts, life in general things right now. I was serious when I said that run tonight was amazing. I am still overwhelmed by the complete day I had today. It came after a restless, I mean up till around 3:30, night cause my mind was going about 50,000 miles per hour....fast huh. I don't know where I am going to be in a month, hell I don't even know where I will be after this weekend. All I know is that each day is mine and God's together or apart. Only thing is he isn't the one leaving or turning the other direction.
About fasting.....I have never done it before. Okay, I take that back...I have never fasted for a whole day. It does excite me to be doing this. My friend Tim in Iraq is going to be doing it the same day. It didn't occur to me that much until three people have talked about it around me in the past 24 hours. So, here I go. I can't ever set expectations about anything, all I know is that I am truly taking the day and going to spend it outside in nature with God, no phone, no music, no watch, no distractions. Just me, my bible, a book, my camera to take b/w pics, and some water.
One more thing I wanted to write about. I went to church the other day, blame it on a past relationship, blame it on being more observant or attentive, or whatever. The sermon was horrible. I am one who can't ever sit still, but this sermon drove me insane. All I heard were facts. I don't think the minister opened the bible or mentioned the bible once in his sermon. I tried so hard to find good in the sermon. I will say that the worship was wonderful. Plus they had a special presentation with an artist. I learned more and was inspired more from him than the sermon itself.