I never appreciated running so much in Chicago till I yesterday and today. I know St. Louis isn't completely hilly, but it is not as flat as Chicago is. I didn't realize I was that out of shape till these past two days. Even biking yesterday, I got winded. I guess all the training for the marathon, which I am planning on running in October will pay off by running these hills in Missoura, I mean Missioury, I mean......Anyone is welcome to run some of the marathon with me in October. I am always looking for recruitments to help push me till the end. Maybe I can run the some races in some 'Roos for Brian.

well, living in chicago is offically over for me at the time being. i moved out today and am living out of my car for a while now, actually in st. louis and where ever i end up. it is kind of exciting, but also scary. i don't know what i am going to do right now. i do know i made the right decision. i have such great peace about this, but am scared to death of where things are going to go from here on out. i just have to trust that god is taking care of me, knowing that he has an awesome plan for me. i am open to going wherever the road to take me.

Is it wrong to get a huge sense of peace and confidence after getting in a fight with someone. Well, that is how I feel after what happened with my dad and I last night. We got into it hardcore. I am moving back to Rochester, hoping to live with my parents, but that went down the crapper after the night I had with my dad. I am not even angry with him anymore, I honestly hurt and feel so bad for him and his drinking problem. It is and continues to take his life and separate the rest of my family from him. I just want to shake him and hope he would open his eyes. It is funny how God works, so much that my bible verse today was:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be
sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with
blessing, because to this you were called so that you may
inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see
good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from
deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he
must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are
on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

1 Peter 3:8-12

That God of mine is a funny, funny guy. I honestly do feel like I lost a part of me last night and it was my relationship with my dad for the time being. I have to let go and just give it to God. I can't fight this one anymore. It is killing me inside. I just have to continue to pray for him. It scares me, cause at times, I don't even want to do that for him. IT SUCKS GROWING UP.......
Thanks God!!!!!!!

So I have been in hiding the past few days from the loss of my home, my love, my faithful Kentucky Wildcats.....I am still dumbfounded that they lost a game to UAB.....what the heck.....as my sister thought "University of Ala Bama" seriously though....all I got to say is GO COWBOYS!!! and GO 'CUSE!!!!!(for you Jamie).....

I feel all I do is write serious stuff on here. Today's beginning will be no exception, but then will enlighten all with my NCAA final four.....
i had a few friends growing up that always got me in trouble. they were those friends that you loved to hate at times. we would hang around and get in the way of things. mess up parts of my day and others around them. at times they seemed like fun, but ended getting me in trouble everytime i was with them. my parents always knew who i was with when i did get in trouble, cause it was always the same two that i was with. they were good friends, that would give you the momentary fun, but after a while the concequences would set in. kind of like sin that i deal with in my life. it is that momentary pleasures of the world. sin would sneak into my day and make things go wrongly. all was my own doing and i know what i needed to do to change. confess and then ask for god to forgive me. it wasn't the forgiveness was the problem, i have always been harder on myself than anyone else....the guilt of it all. even with these friends....which by the way one of these guys is truly one of my best friends now and he even says we were stupid back in the day. it is refreshing when you feel like you burn away your sin and feel free from it. kind of like making the choice to not go along with others when you know that you could get in trouble.

FINAL FOUR.....KENTUCKY, DUKE, UCONN, OKLA. ST
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.....KENTUCKY vs. DUKE...................GO 'CATS!!!!!!!

I have never won a wrestling match in my life. Seriously, all the fights that God and I have had or wrestled over he has won. Not that it is bad and I don't think I ever want to win, but for the millionth time last night he won again. It was one of those nights were it sucks being alone, but you don't want to be with anyone. At least that is how I felt. Even today I feel like I am trying to fight more and more about what my future looks like. I don't want to know, I only want to trust that any decision I make will be one that I can learn and grow from. I spent about an hour or so writing about what was on my mind and what pissed me off about this world. I will end up pasting it on to my blog, but right now it is on another computer. I hate not knowing. What you might ask, just not knowing. I know what I need to know about life right now, but it doesn't feel like enough. I guess what I am trying to say is I want more. I want to know more. I don't want to cheat myself of anything or skip one thing or another. I just want more out of life than I feel I am getting right now or letting myself get cause I am being lazy or just stupid....

Growing up the way I have communicating everything and anything with my family. It is hard to imagine being 2 years old and only knowing five to ten words. Not only that, but how to let others know what you want. Part of me thinks that my cousins child just wants to tell us to go to hell, cause we can't understand a word she is saying. Lydia is so sweet and innocent, that it is getting harder and harder for me not think that there is a serious problem. So that brings me to something I have always loved to get feedback from is, would you rather be deaf or blind? For me, it all comes down to music. I don't know if I could handle not hearing music. I think in the world today, not seeing all the hurt and the pain would be easier to let go of. But you still would hear it all and unfortunately know what it sounds like to be in pain. Music is a part of my life, better worship no matter what the music may be is something very important to me.
One thing I failed to mention the other day was, that after reading and praying that the airport, when I opened my eyes and looked around me. Everyone for that split second looked different. Different being out of love from my heart. All these people sitting at the airport and I have no idea what they believe or where they were from, but I did know that God loved them all no matter if they wanted to return the love.
It is tough being on vacation. I wish my life at times was only a vacation. It would be too easy though. This trip has taught me a lot and has showed me more that I ever could have imagined. It is a good relief to get away, but knowing that the weather I am going back in....that is what really sucks.

God works in ways I still am in awe of. I never would have thought that sitting at an airport reading, would be the place to change my heart and all that I have been feeling lately. I probably could have broke down and cried, but I was getting ready to board a plane. Finishing a book is always great, but when it is something that I felt I was apart of, it was hard to shut the last chapter. Why do we as christians struggle with "unconditional" love. I put it in quotes because I feel it has been tossed around just about as much as what a christian is. I was taught growing up to love unconditionally with guidelines....why? Why is it so hard to love outright someone even when you don't agree with things they do. God loved everyone. Why can't I. More importantly why can't I love myself. That is what was so hard to read about today for me. I haven't been loving myself...part of me doesn't know how. If I can't love myself, how can I let others love me? I realized today that the lack of love for myself has been the basis of all my frustrations with my life and what I am doing....job, living, money, friends. My prayer is to love myself, in a humble and lesser pride kind of way. I also need to love others, which I have learned working at my job. Everyone is so different and diverse, I love it. I hope though that they are seeing the real. I also realized I need to listen more and talk less. I used to be so good at this. What a glorious day in the sun it has been.

This is the beginning of blogger for me. I have heard about it through other friends and thought I would give it a try. At this point I don't know what to write, but I am and will come up with enough down the road to keep myself busy.

Does anyone ever really know what they want to do or what they are suppose to do? WHen does that time hit when you think you know isn't right and you second guess yourself? Or do you tough it out and see where God leads you. Sometimes I think I know what I am doing with my life and other times I don't have a clue, which is normal. I know this. My problem is other people think they know what is best for me. Tonight for the first time I felt like I was given freedom with what I do. Not that I haven't had it before, but I have always felt I needed to please others and do what everyone else wanted me to do. I think I finally got tired of fighting for that and wanted to fight for myself. It is kind of selfish, but still I want to go to school, I want to learn more, I don't care about a job or money, although I need both to survive right now. I have more important things to do than stand behind a cash register and ask people how they are doing today. I want more to this life and there is so much more. I am now realizing that. God has given me so much to offer and I have as my dad put it procrastinated for a while about school and my life. He was right, I felt blame, but it isn't even that. I have put things off long enough that all this desire and want to be fed is kicking me more and more to get my butt to school. It is easy to say God's timing is seldom early and never late, because there is no time with him. My point is I need also get my ass in gear to get things done if I want results. I am all grows up. One more question that has been eating at me lately, where is my community? What is real community? Okay two questions.