I want to be found.

The other night I was over at my cousin's playing hide and seek with Drew and Lydia. They are two of the most beautiful children that I know. It was so much fun playing. As kids we always got a thrill of hiding and even being found. As I played with them it was never hard to find them, they made noises, because who likes to be in a dark place for a long time, not these kids. So I would start looking and not even two minutes in, giggles or some kind of noise would be heard and to see the faces of Drew and Lydia was so much fun.

This weekend was ICTC(Illinois Christian Teen Convention) for those that don't know. It was a great weekend. We had the privilege to hear Mark Moore from Ozark speak. The theme this year was Hide and Seek. I didn't know what the theme was going to be about, but if you think of the hide and seek as a game, it made sense. Growing up hide and seek was one of my favorite games, still is. It seems we are good at playing hide and seek with God. When we hide so does God. When we want to be found, he finds us or better yet we find him.

Like I said, I want to be found.

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

This is pretty darn close to who i am. Let me list off what I have done:

Consider myself an actor sometimes
Taught some art
Done some editing for a advertising company
Still working in retail
I find myself to be pretty stinkin funny
have tried to compose some music i have written - no luck so far
I got some sweet dance moves also.....
Whicky-whicky on the turn-table
Graduated with a degree in graphic design
Illustrated for a few advertising companies
still learning how to play guitar, want to pick up piano again
haven't sculpted for a long time now....

Not to shabby on who I be.

Sometimes it takes the smallest push from someone to get a fire lit within your heart and mind. I thank my friend for that. The life of Doug continues to push along. School continues to make me think differently. I just spent a week in a class about worship in today's culture. The big question that still lingers within my thoughts is, what is worship? Wish I had a great answer for it, but right now I don't. One of those thoughts that will be around till I can come to a conclusion someday. Just add that to the many, many other questions that I continue to get at school. Good questions though.

I spent about two months assistant coaching soccer up at Lincoln, though it was frustrating at times. I had a great time playing and coaching this group that knew very little about the game when we started, but throughout the season got so much better. I was proud of the girls. I am now getting ready to play and coach indoor. Should be good also.

On a different note and subject here are a few pics from my trip to Africa. I know it has been a while, but I finally figured out how to upload pics. I hope you enjoy the few I put up. I hope to continue putting more and more up to show the beauty of Ghana and the surrounding countries of Africa.

The scenic view of Africa:

I miss this the most!!!


The beautiful children of Africa:

Aren't they amazing!!!

I have been home for almost a month from Africa now. So much of who I am already feels that I have allowed myself to get back to the "American" way of life. Which frustrates me. But so much of me has completely seen the lifestyle that I know and admit like has changed. To put Africa in one word, I think I would go with passionate. I use that word, because of the people, the places and how God truly is working through the nationals and other leaders of the countries I got to visit. As I sit here and continue to reflect on everything, so much of me is still in Africa, which is good, because I believe someday I will be back there doing more work. I say that with confidence knowing God has some really cool things planned for me and everyone around me. Not that Africa is for everyone, but I know that I can find a place for anyone to serve, whether in a church, clinic, or business. God is doing great things all around the world.

One of the best things about the trip was that God was taken out of the box of America that I put him in. Seeing what is going on around the world was the best thing for me to see and understand.

This whole process of reflection of this summer has been encouraging, tough, exciting, and exhausting. I have had some great days reliving things and some extremely tough days where I want nothing more than to be there again. I hope those that have heard me share see and hear the excitement that I am feeling on the inside.

I don't want to lose this passion and pray that I never do. I ask those that read this continue to pray that God continues to direct me back to Africa someday. I want to take that step and rely on God to get me back to the community and life I have fallen in love with. Until then I will continue to serve around home and just started the second year of Seminary in Lincoln.

Always wanting to be In His Grip!!!!!

Greetings from Africa!!!! What an amazing trip it has been. I wish I could share everything with you in this blog. Africa is an amazing country, not only for the need of God, but the beauty and the people in general. The need for servants is big, especially in the country of Burkina Faso and Niger, which I will be visiting hopefully on Tuesday. We have seen God work in the people we have come in contact with and also dealt with spiritual warefare, which for me is something new. I have a new family of friends and been blessed to do so much and see so much growth in us all. God has been good in protecting us and leading us. I hope everyone that reads this is doing well. I ask for continued prayer and support. Thank you for all that you have done for me to getting to this point. Peace and love from Africa.

I have almost said all my good-bye's. I have just about hugged everyone that I have needed to hug. Tuesday begins what is going to be a life changing time for me and eleven other students as we set out for Africa. The anticipation is killing me, I want to leave now. The saddness of missing everyone and a summer at home also will take me a while to truly get, but what lies ahead is something that I have been preparing for and wanting for so long. This is me getting out of the boat and trusting God more than I have or can remember. I know it will be great and life changing. I want it to be life changing for the people I come in contact with. I feel I have already changed through this process of preparing. For the next two months, my blog will go unused and probably untouched by me. I have one thing to ask of those who read this. Please pray for Africa and the this trip. Pray for the twelve students and the leaders. Pray that God shows me things and breaks from a harden heart that I have had for over a year. I thank those who have been able to keep in contact throughout the process of preparing for the trip. God has humbled me in ways of seeing how many people believe in me and have supported me financially and through prayer. Thank you to all of you. I appreciate you more than you know. I finish this with the verse that I wrote right after I sent out my first letters for support:

Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:3-4.

Peace out y'all. Have a great summer and see you in August.

Congrats Shelly on getting married!!!! Sorry I can't be there. I will be praying for you and Tony

U2

I was fortunate enough to spend Monday night with a few close friends of mine. Bono, The Edge, Larry, and Adam. It is hard to put into words how amazing the U2 show really was. Unless you were there, I can't really describe it. I walked out of the concert, wondering if I was just at a religous event, a political event(positive one), or just a concert. I think it was all three. Everything about the night was positive and flowed.

To see a band stick together for almost 30 years is amazing. The even more amazing thing about them is they know there is a whole new generation that needs to hear there music and Bono even talked about it at the concert. Bono gave it up to the old-school fans, but really wanted to let the next generation know what he was about. Amazingly enough, this was a first time show for about half the crowd. The show was about 2 and a half hours long, could have gone a lot longer. It was freakin cool to see his passion for the people of Africa also. I will argue with anyone that U2 IS THE BEST BAND EVER, hands down. Elevation was the best concert I ever went to, Vertigo was the most moving rock concert I have been to. It will be really cool if I can see them again in St. Louis when they come back through the states in December. The other cool thing was they taped the show for a live dvd that will come out later this year. To end with "40" was beautiful to hear from the band and the crowd..

I have about a month till I leave for Africa. ONE MONTH. I think up until this week, I have had so much pride about what I am doing and where I am going. Reality hit me hard and understanding what this summer is about has changed my heart. It is so easy for me to think this summer is about me and going to Africa. Its not. I hate to think that I am sacrificing a summer away from home. I don't want to think of this trip in that way. I am scared, but I am re-assured in this decision.

Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its workd so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:3-4

Here I am, lacking so much of late that it scares me to know that leaving I will be one way and when I come back knowing that I will be someone else. I don't expect anything. How can I. I have no idea what I am getting into. I know this is going to be a journey of life that God has written out for me to experience. I am tired of distractions of life and ready to take a hold of God's hand and allow him to take me.

Here I am, ready.

There is no reason to watch the NCAA tournament anymore......KENTUCKY lost. It was a great game. The whole weekend was amazing, but in the end the loss ends another great year of college basketball. Is it go 'HEELS or ILLINI?!?!

Why is being authentic to each other so difficult at times. I am at fault as anyone else, but there is something about being around certain people that you can be truly authentic. Maybe it is something about being comfortable or trustworthy of that person, but I miss being around some authentic friends. As I sit in a Starbucks in downtown Chicago, all I can think about is a community of friends that I constantly desire to have in my life, where we can be true to each other and not deal with the small crap that sometimes as not only society, but Christians let hinder true relationships. There is always some kind of drama, but to tear apart relationships and keep from moving in the direction that God calls us to is beginning take its toll on me. My heart desires a passion like never before to be truly authentic all the time. Is it possible, probably...still learning....baby steps right? I think it is hard to be authentic always, when not everyone else around me is that way. I am just as guilty as everyone else. There are real people in my life right now and I don't surround myself enough when opportunities arise. My prayer is to find a community that not only accepts me for who I am, but helps me become better and see the good in me more than the faults that I constantly feel hinder me from a life that I want to live and have been called to live.

I miss the city a lot right now. I miss the running on the lakefront. Seeing old friends, picking up right where we left of last time. I miss opportunities that I do not see where I am living at home. I miss the freedom of being on my own. I am fortunate to be where I am at. I know that where I am right now is where I am suppose to be.

God give me peace and comfort for the place I am in my life. I pray for true authenticity from not only myself but those around me. Be constant, be direct, and help us be content in the life you have provided for us.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”  

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!” John 21:15-19


Sitting in the quietness of tonight. This passage ran through my mind and heart. How lucky and fortunate we are to be taken AS-IS. We have been bought already. I wait for true love and find it only in the Maker of my life. How many times has Jesus asked me if I love him? How many times have I hesitated? How many times have I jumped into his arms? I seek love, I seek you....

I feel sick to my stomach tonight, kind of like I got kicked a few times, but not enough to really hurt me. I just saw Hotel Rwanda. I know that when this went on I was just a teen, but my heart and stomach are in pain from how the society I live in turned their backs on a whole country, a group of people, trying to live a normal life. It is times like these I hate the lifestyle and luxury that I have been given. I am grateful for it all, but it still hurts. I will have a rude awakening when I get to Africa this summer. It scares me, but not in a horrifying way.

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:21-23

I wish I felt no honor in the wealth of this world all the time. I wish I found honor and humility in the wealth of God more......

POSERS, FAKERS, & WANNABES ---- Just picked up this book by Brennan Manning. Don't know how I feel about being real with myself and others. Seems I need to be though.

poser - n. a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not.

faker- n. one who fakes something.

wannabe - n. one who imitates the behavior, customs, or dress of an admired person or group.


Which one am I? Depends which day..... Which one are you?

ON A LIGHTER NOTE......

I got to play capture the flag last night with my high school guys. Sometimes it is great to be a kid again and run around. That was the first time I played outside since church camp in eastern Illinois with those pesky jr. high kids. Oh the memories that can come back from a rousing game of capture the flag..... Last night showed me that I am still a kid at heart, even when I have felt disfunctional in all I do, I still know that a group of high school guys think I am cool and will let me be a kid with them anytime I want.

It is hard for me to already imagine that I am not going to be around this summer. Not being able to spend weekends swimming and hanging out with friends. Not being able to do all the yardwork with my dad. Sounds like not so much fun to most, but that is a time that I get to spend with my dad and do stuff outside. One of the more difficult things that I am going to miss is the best 4th of July celebration where I live. I think that the most difficult part of missing out on this summer is going to be not talking to my family, more imporantly my sis on a regular basis. SIDEBAR -- I don't talk about my family much on here, but I do have the two greatest sister in the world. My older sis is my best friend, just the other night we had our usual night out of catching up and having a drink together. The younger sis, still in her own world, but she did just turn 21 and can now join Nicole and I for our nights out. They both are the best.

Now, back to what this summer is going to be like. I have been given the opportunity to be a part of a group that will be spending two months in Africa. It is overwhelming and freakin awesome at the same time to think about. Africa was never such a huge desire for me until about two years ago. You see, I was fortunate enough to have someone in my life at the time who had such a heart for reaching out to the country of Africa that in a way I began seeing things different for a country so far away. It has been a dream of mine to be able to do this and now that God has opened this door all I can do is say, "WOW and thank you." The fam is not a huge fan of this trip, but there is a beginnning and and end to this trip, so I will be coming home. Over the next few years though...... we will have to see what God has planned. So for now pray for the process of all that needs to be done to go well and without conflict. I will continue to update the whole process. Too bad I won't be able to blog in Africa.

Leaving A Legacy

What kind of a legacy are you leaving today
by the words and the actions you say and do?

What will your husband or wife and your
children say were your strengths and
your weaknesses too?

Will your name be listed in God's Book
Or Life or on one of man's best selling lists?

If Jesus returned to earth tomorrow,
would you be happy or sad?

What have you done for God's Kingdom
on earth that will make others glad?

Have you stored up your treasures temporarily
on earth or forever inside Heavens gate?

Think about what kind of legacy you are
leaving today, because no one knows how
long they will wait.


These are words from a mom who recently joined our father in heaven after fighting cancer for seven years. She lived a life better than most preachers, teachers, and others I know. Sylvia left a husband and three and three kids who have shown more strength and confidence in God than I have in a long tome. She truly left this world of hurt and is dancing with the king right now. She will be missed by all, but someday soon we will all be together again. Her last wish to her husband was to die well. She did.

My mind has wondered through the book of Philippians for the past eight hours. I wish I could say it was all of desire to read, but it was also for the fact of writing a paper. It has always been amazing to read the words of Paul. How can you not admire a man like him. There are not to many people that I am jealous of, but Paul is one of them. By the end of this semester I will know the book of Philippians better than I realize how good the Illini truly are.......just kidding. I am fortunate enough to have an opportunity to study the book of Philippians for this semester in Greek. I look forward to what is in-store. I do know that this book holds a lot of truths about life and encouraging words that if you let them will get in your skin and get your blood flowing for the real reason that I am here, for others, for love, for God. Paul wanted so bad to be in heaven with his creator, but he knew his work here wasn't done. Not that I want to go home now, but I know my work is not done. This up and down roller coaster that I have been on with some confidence and none will hopefully end soon, but until then I continually pray that I give my all for that day to God and he gives me one more day with him. Thank you to those who have written me words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

I haven't been me for a while now. I don't know how to start or where to begin. All I know is that I am not who I want to be. I somehow forgot what it was like to be confident in the things I do and believe that I am doing all things for the right reasons. That is part of the problem, I was doing to many things and it finally caught up to me. The realization of being over-committed hit me hard. I was trying to do to many things and not doing the things that are most important with all that I have to offer. Funny how pride gets in the way of what we try to do and how we can feel good about committing to more and more. Fortunately in the long run we fall down and need help getting back up. I don't know if I have allowed myself to get back up yet. Slowly I am opening up to let those around me know how I feel and that I need help. Like I said, I haven't been myself for a while now. I think we try to supplement the love and joy of God with so many things here. At least I seemed to have been doing that, until lately. Slowly I am letting go of things in my life that I don't I need. Why is it hard to admit when we are wrong? Why do we not let go of some things so easily and other things are not a problem at all. I got to worship down in Lexington, KY at Southland CC last weekend and for that hour and a half, it was the most content I had felt in a long time. I was able to put everything aside and live in the moment. Even yesterday at church during worship, I felt the same. I was in this zone of just me and my God. It was awesome. Why do we not live in the moment or even the day more? I think we tend to think ahead way to much. That is to bad. I know where my joy comes from, but for some reason I am not seeking it as needed. I seem to go through days with these blinders on and I don't see anything but greys. Then days like yesterday and today, this picture I see in front of me is amazing. What am I not letting go or holding back from God? It is probably ME. I don't expect anyone to tell me, just need a prayer here and there to see the joy that I truly am missing out on.

A little sidebar that is bringing me joy.....Derrick, my cousin, is in Wisconsin and will be home in four days. Derrick has been serving in Iraq for over a year and while he has been gone I have had the joy and pleasure of watching his kids, Lydia and Drew grow up. So many times I wished he was there instead of me, but I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for that family finally getting back together after a year in which I saw so many changes on the outside with my extended family and on the inside of watching them also grow. Thank you God for what you have done for Sarah & Derrick. You got him this far, please bring him here safely.

My heart is good, my mind is weak. Which is going to win in the end? I think we all know. I thank God for giving me one more day with him. I pray that tomorrow I do things well and pleasing to the only one that matters in the long run....YOU LORD.

I always enjoy lunches and good conversations. I got to have lunch with a good friend today and we to talking about photography and what we wanted this next year to be like. Recently I wrote about photos in my journal, so I thought I would share what I wrote. Thanks for lunch and good conversation today Mandy.

Why is so hard to see the futuring looking bright? When you see how at times things of the past were as we thought perfect. Whether that be with jobs, family, life, love, you name it all of at some point have seen snipets of perfection. Even if it were for a split second, God has shown us his perfection through only the eyes that matter, HIS. It is hard not to see some pictures as perfection. Honestly if you look at a picture, it doesn't change, move, it is one still shot of a glimpse at something or someone that at the moment in time whether be out of curiosity, love, sincerety, or funny was perfect to someone. Don't you wish you could have still picture of the future? We love to look back and see how cute, great, wonderful something was. These past few weeks have been some of the bleakest and at times hard to comprehend with all the tragedies of war and the tsunami hitting around the world.

What picture are you taking today or do you want to take? Who would it be with and where would it be?

I think we always want to stop time for a split second to not lose that one thing, image of whatever. Pictures can bring me peace and joy along with sadness of losing someone and only having a picture to remember them by.

What do you think your picture with God be like? Has he been apart of every exposure of your life? How can we make him seen in the places, poses, interactions we are apart of everyday?

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't there a saying along the lines of, "a picture is worth a thousand words." My God does not have a number of worth, he already paid the price. The tags are cut off. Purchased in full.