Can someone live in complete satisfaction/joy through God alone? I know we can, but honestly, can one person live their entire life finding complete and ultimate satisfaction/joy through God? We are called to seek this and I want this kind of life. Can it or has it been done? With all the distractions of this world is it possible? I know I get distracted by things of this world. We all do. I guess this is a question that I will have to seek out and see if I get any responses also.

I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice--not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. Jeremiah 10:23-24

I spent the most of my day out at Cahokia Mounds. It turned out to be a beautiful day as I was driving there. It is hard to put into words how much I did enjoy being out there and really listening and talking to God. I also took some cool pictures. I don't know where I am going to be in a week or a month, what I do know is that the path I am on is HIS and I hope that I continue to see that. This life I have is not mine and I need to realize that more and more. I get so caught up in "things" that I forget who I serve. I have gotten good again at replacing God with things and when he tries to correct me, I think I have been not listening or turning my back. I guess it isn't so much as not listening, just not right away. Guess kind of stubborn and selfish. Like I said, I don't know the answers of where I will be come next week, but what I do know is that God has a freakin awesome plan and path for my life and I am living it out right now. This is his life that I am living and His steps that I am taking...

Now that I have some more time and I an not as much distracted, I can talk more about my day. I realized today, well I have known this everyday, but I like to act like it isn't there. Anyways, I have some things in my life that I need to work out and get through. Everyone does. Here is the deal, these are small things to the world, but obviously bigger things to me if I am dealing with them day in/day out. I know I need to clean house again and get my mind and myself in general in a better state of everything. God has BIGGER things for me. I know this, but how can he show my more when I can't even handle the smaller sins, guilts, life in general things right now. I was serious when I said that run tonight was amazing. I am still overwhelmed by the complete day I had today. It came after a restless, I mean up till around 3:30, night cause my mind was going about 50,000 miles per hour....fast huh. I don't know where I am going to be in a month, hell I don't even know where I will be after this weekend. All I know is that each day is mine and God's together or apart. Only thing is he isn't the one leaving or turning the other direction.
About fasting.....I have never done it before. Okay, I take that back...I have never fasted for a whole day. It does excite me to be doing this. My friend Tim in Iraq is going to be doing it the same day. It didn't occur to me that much until three people have talked about it around me in the past 24 hours. So, here I go. I can't ever set expectations about anything, all I know is that I am truly taking the day and going to spend it outside in nature with God, no phone, no music, no watch, no distractions. Just me, my bible, a book, my camera to take b/w pics, and some water.
One more thing I wanted to write about. I went to church the other day, blame it on a past relationship, blame it on being more observant or attentive, or whatever. The sermon was horrible. I am one who can't ever sit still, but this sermon drove me insane. All I heard were facts. I don't think the minister opened the bible or mentioned the bible once in his sermon. I tried so hard to find good in the sermon. I will say that the worship was wonderful. Plus they had a special presentation with an artist. I learned more and was inspired more from him than the sermon itself.

I fell more in love today....with playing music. I had to run up to Springfield for a dentist appointment and ended up spending the day there. It was truly an awesome day from God. I got to play some music with a friend of mine. Even though I am not all that good, I fell in love more on getting better and wanting more to worship God. I am truly blessed with such awesome friends.

So, I am really leaning towards fasting. As PJ put it, I need to go into "Pro God mode". Not that any other time is different, but really focus and spend the day with God. So, while I was running tonight I decided not to take any music with me and just run and listen. My run went like this:

Put down the music.
I want you here.
Quit trying.
I want you here.
Don't push me away.
I want you here.
Quit talking and listen.
I want you here.
Quit hiding.
I want you here.
Quit running.
I want you here.
I want you here, I want you here.
I love you.



The peace I have felt all day is overwhelming. I am not happy with all that is going on in my life. I am getting restless and bored, but I know that I am loved and being taken care of.

"All that I am is in You."

So today in the news everywhere is about the NFL player turned soldier who was killed. My heart goes out to him and his family. I can't imagine the loss and what they are dealing with. I hope I never have to understand. This is one of those instances where I would hold my head that much higher with so much honor and dignity.
I am having a problem though with the fact that he is getting so much attention when how many others have died before him. I know locally others get the attention, but I can't remember any other soldier that has died getting this much notice. It is sad that we pay more attention to athletes turned soldier than those that have been fighting for there whole life. Don't get me wrong, I got the chills watching all the coverage about the man/hero. It was inspiring in a way also. I understand why he did what he did and love the fact that he hated the spotlight for anything he did. He put his family and his country before anything else. I love that. My family means the world to me also and I hope that I can do the same. My freedom comes from more than my country though. We are so fortunate to have the benefits and luxuries that we don't realize we have.
The culture and society of today sucks. Why can't we have more men fighting like that for our country, for there families, most importantly for our God. This next part is from the recent Men's Health magazine,
"We're a society of men who grew up competing with each other on the playing field being told that "we're all winners," even when we lost. We're a generation most of whom have escaped the hardships of military, where job one of basic training is to beat a man's ego into submission. We're a group of guys who think grunt work is for immigrants, not for us--even though we descended from immigrants who did the grunt work that built this country in the first place. We're a bunch of brats who left school expecting to settle into corner offices and relaxed-fit jeans, and if we don't get that, well then, we will see you in court."
That says to me a lot about how my generation is. Sad isn't it. I can say that I am a part of that. More and more I hate being that way. I want to roll up my sleeves and get dirty, fight for my country, my family, MY GOD. Today's men within the Christian world don't know how to fight, either they haven't been taught or they don't want to take the harder road and learn. Everyone is into today's society taking the easy way out, not taking ownership for things gone wrong, having to much pride. Young Christian men today, and I say that cause I am so old, are into themselves more than other generations. People themselves are into the trendiness of life or trying not to be trendy, but still wanting to stick out for being "different". Now I know so awesome young ministers that don't act this way at all. I don't want to get caught saying all are that way, but so many don't see the big picture that who they are serving has so much more for them and he wants only us and not what we do or what we have.
I am sure my babbling makes little sense to most, but I need to get this frustration out about how so men have died that I know little about. I am so proud of the soldiers. Even though at times I wonder why we are still there. Then I realize that we're trying to finish something that we started instead of quitting in the middle, so a country who lost almost everything has to fix it all themselves.
Sometimes I wish I was over there serving with them. But then again, why serve a country that doesn't care all that much. I know more about the athlete who died today than I do the other 800 or so soldiers that have died. Sad isn't it. It would be one thing if I didn't pay attention to the news, but I do. One of my best friends and cousins(my heroes) are over seas serving a country that really doesn't give a crap in the long run about what we are doing. Everyone comes together when we get our butts kicked....where is that togetherness today. GONE. I guess that is why I am so unbelievably excited that my time here on earth is only a visit and my real home is somewhere so much better--heaven.

I feel like a prisoner in my own world sometimes. I forget about everything and think of poor me and why me. Instead of how great and wonderful I am and my life is. My mind is in constant battle with Satan, my heart is still missing pieces and the walls around it are still up. Better than they were a month ago, a week ago....YES, but fully healed and given to God, man that is tough to say right now. Maybe I feel this way cause I feel like I have been a prisoner in my apartment all day long cause the weather sucks, but even if it was nice, I think my thoughts would still be the same whether it be today or tomorrow. I got a new cd the other day and one of the songs has just grabbed my heart. The song talks about eating off paper plates, when a great feast is always presented to us from God. We don't recognize it half the time or don't want to. Why do we make ourselves prisoners of this world, when there is so much more our Lord offers us and we just get scared or hide. It sickens me, cause I am that way and I don't want to be. I know that I am not that way, but today it seems to be showing more. The feast is ready. Are you going to join me?
All God wants is for us to come to the table with him. Is that so tough? Am I that tough? Not at all. He wants you and I to sit, not talk, LISTEN. Listen to the whispers of his love for us. He has so much more that I can't see past what I don't have right now cause I have put up blinders or sealed that part of my heart off. It has started breaking, but my pride has stopped the healing, when it should have been done so long ago. I can sit here and say this without a problem, cause it is me.
I miss you, it feels like forever. I miss you, it hurts to remember. To remember how happy I was God. How things were and should be now. I miss you. I am tired of hearing me and not you. I am kind of boring to listen to when it is just me. I know I entertain others, but I miss you. I see you all around me, but I don't acknowledge you. I miss you. I am lonely without you, cause I am the one that turns my back. I miss you. Your touch is so sweet and real. I miss you. Your presence is missed, but is always felt. I miss you. When can I come home? I miss you so.

I think everyone needs to visit the zoo. I went today with my sister, mom, and the four year old twins my mom is watching all week. Let me tell you not only are the animals cool....although half were sleeping....anyways it was neat to see them. Also it is a great place to people watch. You see all sorts of interesting people.
I was also reminded of myself today when Lucas, one of the twins, when they got here today. His hair was all messed up and he had rockin cowboy boots on. I always rocked in cowboy boots and my superman shirt. If I figure out how to get my pics on here, I will put that one of me on. I was a good-lookin cool kid back in the day. Don't know what happened.

So I finished reading 5 People You Meet in Heaven today. It took me basically two days to read. Very good book. Made me think of the five people I will meet. I will say the chapter about the dad was very hard, but good for me to read. I have always forgiven my dad for all that he has and hasn't done to/for me. Even now with how things are, I forgive him. I don't know what to say to him though. It will come with time, but right now I am glad I am not around him. Back to the book, the end gave me the chills about HOME. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like and when I will get there, then I think that my time is definately not now, cause I have so much I want to do here. That is why each day is so good to me right now, cause I know it could be my last. Not that I think about it, but I want to live each day with all that I have. Anyways, this was a great book to read and easy at the same time.
About my life of no job still. I am STILL WAITING. I do have another interview tomorrow. A phone interview at that. Something I have never done. At least the weather is still awesome and gives me so much time to run and enjoy the outdoors, I just need some friends around to play.

I realized yesterday that I miss Kentucky a lot. The whole weekend while I was there everyone asked me why I miss and like Lexington so much. Easy answer was it just feels like home to me right now. Longer answer was the people, the friendships I have, the starting something new for myself was big. Not that I won't if I get a job in St. Louis or Springfield, but my family is demanding...NOT BAD IN ANYWAY AT ALL....I want my own life to. I don't want to have the guilt put on me if I don't go over and see my mom or go to my grandma's, although she rocks, so I think I could handle hanging out with a classy lady who knows a hell of a lot more than me. Anyways, I miss that feeling of being in the right place and again that is how Lexington felt. On the other side, Lincoln Christian College is another great place that I want to go. I know more for LCC that it is cause I know the people and I would be able to take off right away. Asbury Seminary is about a half hour from Lexington. Don't know much about it, but it has to be a reasonably good place to attend. A lot of my desire and want to move to Lexington will depend on a job I am waiting patiently to hear back from tomorrow or Tuesday. My friends are all divided on Springfield and Lexington....I know what I want, so I need to listen to my heart and go with what I think.
Also this weekend I realized and actually accepted being single for a while. I already have been for six months, but it really was a peaceful feeling of not caring about having someone right now in my life. I can't even say I have been on a date in about six months either. I have gotten kind of selfish about my space and time. It is okay for now, but I know and will share it down the road. Maybe I will get that dog I have always wanted when I figure out my job status and life for the time being. Anyways, I am very content on being single and having fun with the great friends around me, plus that gives God all the attention he deserves.
One more thing and then I gots to go.....Weddings!!!! I mean seriously I have more freakin weddings this summer. Unfortunately I have two weddings on the same day twice and can't attend at least one of them. Two are in the same town for one day and the other is Chicago and Springfield. I figured out today that I have six or seven again this summer. I think that makes around twenty-five over the last three years. It is honestly tough being this popular....ya right.......I do feel honored to have been asked to be in two of them. One I will be standing and the other I will be doing a reading. Last summer was a fun summer for weddings, I think this summer might be tougher though. Oh well, it is all about having a good time and seeing friends you don't get to see often. I hope and pray after this summer that my numbers will decrease, I am running out of friends who aren't married, me still happily being one of them.

I am bored right now. Not just this minute, but with my life. I feel like I am waiting around for something to happen and well I need to do something myself. I am waiting to find out about a job that would be great for me. Next week I find out for sure. I have come to the realization that my relationship with my mom and dad will never be the same after what happened between my dad and I. After being home this past weekend, I realized I was not happy being in that house anymore. I love both of my parents so much and know they feel the same, but I don't feel welcome there at all. I know that if this job does work out, that I will be close to them and am afraid of what it could be like. I also know that I have my own life and I am able to walk away and not feel like I need to talk to or be around them anymore. I know my dad doesn't want me to live with them. He just assumed me not even staying for weekends, just a day and he would be happy. It isn't that he doesn't like me, I just feel that he wants an independant life with my mom and not deal with us at home.
On to more enjoyable things about my life right now. Hmmm.....I workout for about two-three hours a day which includes my running. I am entering a few other races before the marathon. A ten mile and probably a couple of 5k. I have been reading some, but not as much as I want to. My bible is becoming more and more exciting to me. I am reading in Colossians right now. I feel like Paul more and more each day, well with out getting beaten on the outside. On the inside, everyday it feels like a battle. I am dealing and learning how to fight back. For a time there I think I forgot and now am refreshed to continue. I am also reading a book by Thomas Merton. Haven't read to much yet, but have found a few things that have made me stop and think about life. Everyday I realize I don't need anything I have. The problem is I keep buying into what the world says and think that things matter. It sucks at times, but I am learning to move beyond all that.
My friend Tim called from Iraq the other day. I missed the call, cause I was in the other room. I miss the guy so much. I didn't realize how important his friendship was to me till he left. He is doing well though and sounds like being away has already changed so much about him and his faith. Same as B. Simkins, I miss the guy a lot. I know we didn't see each other much, but when we did, I always left feeling like I knew more and had chipped more away from not understanding something about God and my faith. I am excited that I will be in Chicago in a week or so. Should be good to see a few friends that I haven't seen for a while.
So my day in a nutshell is boring. I do like having my own agenda of not much, but it also gets boring when you don't know many people yet. It is really God and I, throw in my sister to since I live with her. She is pretty awesome for letting me crash here till I figure out what I am doing. That is another question I have been asking myself a lot. What do I want to?

It is hard to put into words right now how I feel about everything. I am not happy with me or what is around me. I know I have talked about this before, but I can't get out of this funk that I am in and it is pissing me off more and more. It also doesn't help that my dad and I said less than ten words to each other this weekend. Oh well, the choice I made not to talk to him. I don't care about much right now which isn't me. I am honestly having a hard time with life right now. I know it isn't easy, but this is just shit to me. To be honest if I didn't have as much faith in God as I do, I don't know where I would be or what I would do. I know a job isn't the answer to everything, but at least it would help some. I spent this weekend with all my friends. It was the best thing for me, although it was also really hard. I look at them and how happy they are being married and some have kids on the way. How can I not be jealous. There is so much more to the life I have and I can't seem to find the way to get there. I feel dead to this world and don't know what to do right now.

Lonliness has been such a part of me lately. More and more than I have felt in a long time. I was reminded last night sitting and talking with some friends from home about The Passion. It has been a while since I have talked about it as much as we did. It brought back all the images I have already seen and know. It brought back the pain of watching what my father did for me. It also gave me hope that He did that for me. Sometimes I ask why me and still haven't gotten an answer. Don't know if I will ever get a direct answer without seeing, but believing it is enough for me to continue to move on and fight this world till the very end of my time.

Ever have those time where you don't feel welcome or that you just don't fit in. That is how I feel right now. I don't know where I fit in, not that I want to exactly fit in, but I don't know what is going on with me. I feel like I am in this grey zone and don't know how to get out. It tends to drive me crazy every once in a while and today is one of those days. I am fortunate that it is beautiful out and I was able to run for a while. That seems to calm my anxieties most of the time. I am in this whirlwind of my life and I can't seem to find the right way out right now. It sucks. As I was driving home from Kentucky yesterday I found a sermon on the radio. Got to love those radio broadcasts. Well I was listening to the guy speaking and he said one thing that stands out in my mind and heart right now, "You are to BLESSED to be depressed." How true is that. Even though I can't see all the good around me, I know that I am so blessed. Everyone goes through these rough times, I feel that mine hasn't stopped for about, well I can't remember when. It just seems like I have been this way for a long time now. The most frustrating part is I know what I need to do and for some reason my heart isn't all there still. I feel like I am still missing some of heart and it sucks. As you can tell today is a sucky day for me, even though all is great around me, I feel like being pissed off.