I think I go through this a few times a year. I get in this mood. Where I don't want to talk to anyone. For those that really know me can see right through this and tell that something is wrong. Most of the time those friends call me on it, but it is hard to explain without sounding like I am having a pity party, which I am not. I have this feeling inside that something has changed in me and either I am unwilling to accept it or I just can't figure out what it is. I heard the words today, less of me and more of you God. So simple yet, so profound. I have been praying lately for God to take more of my heart, cause I feel that I have been holding back. I ask for breaking and more of what He wants and less of what I want. During this time, I have been in such a crappy mood. The thing is though, I love all that I am doing, where I am serving, how I am serving and who I am serving. I LOVE MY LIFE. I love all the doors God continues to open and lay before me. I don't think this is an overwhelming feeling, cause I know that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle.

I wonder how God felt serving the way he did. He was never tired of being with others, never said no and always put others before him, ALWAYS. That was one of the reasons he was here for US. I wonder if his heart ever grew tired from giving and giving and giving. Then not seeing the seeds that could have been planted or feeling like his impact was even heard. I know it was, there wouldn't be so many amazing stories if it weren't true. How did he do so much and never ask for anything in return. How did he give and give and give and not ask for one form of affirmation. How can I be taught that my reliance and gratitude for God is all that really matters. But then again, what matters in heaven. Love that phrase. Seriously though, Why do we as a society rely so much on gaining affirmation from others, when God is the one who is pouring out his love on us and we don't even realize it.

I don't know why I get in these funks or whatever you want to call them. I know it is God, cause I can feel him all around me. It is the little things that I see and hear and know. I have gotten quite pissed off during this time about all this talking I do and see others do about waiting for God to show this or that. What direction to go, here or there.

I want to quit asking questions. I just want to go.....

Would you bleed the way Jesus bled for us? Are we willing to let our flesh be torn apart?

I feel like I am all about taking risks right now. Yet, I don't know what to do next. Maybe nothing, maybe something. I don't know.

You see, Seminary is a big risk I am taking right now. I know this cause I can feel myself getting more and more drawn in, but also seeing the frustration and intimidation of feeling like I know nothing at all.

I am taking a risk working with a bunch of Sophomore boys within the youth group. They constantly amaze me. Just a little about them...we are doing Wild at Heart for our study. I have read the book, great book. Anyways, yesterday we were talking about men within our church that are adventurous and wild still. These boys were throwing out a few names that made me "aha" and you know they were exactly right. Sometimes we as christians, me in this case, don't see past what is in front of us. We see with our eyes and nothing else. We don't take in the full picture of what God is showing us. So many times I see so much more of this magnificant picture God is painting for me and other times I am extremely color blind.

I don't feel we as followers of God take enough risks. I think the color blind and the comfort of this world hold us down. I don't want to be held down.

Our hearts are God's and so many times we try to put our hearts into something else and/or someone else. I would say more than half of the time our hearts get smashed. I know for me it is then that I have to build these walls so high and thick that the thought of taking a risk for God is part of that color blindness. Maybe God is holding me back to something bigger than what I am doing right now, but the frustrations and probably some patience. Honestly though seeing the whole picture God is working on is probably a risk in itself I am not taking.

God I wait patiently and humbly for you and your desires. Whether or not you want me to step out or just stop and listen. I am yours. Please help me risk more of me for You and your Kingdom. Your Cause is more than this world is and has to offer.

I'm ALIVE.....are you.....

Finishing up my first week of Seminary tomorrow. Talk about intense and overwhelming. If I look at today and not three weeks from now, I will make it. To far ahead and I start crapping my pants. I know this is where I am suppose to be.

It is peaceful and exciting not having to hide anymore from where God has brought me. I guess my question is how can "we" as followers of God hide from what our true calling is? How can we not do what is intended for the kingdom? Why do we give up so easily take a different road that don't make us happy? Not happy on Earth, but eternally happy? Whatever happened to fighting and giving our all for the ONE TRUE KING.

I know my father has me in his arms and hope by the choices made HE leading me to teaching, tools, and places he wants me to follow. Where is everyone else?