Haven't written for a while. Been wanting to find words that have been on my heart and mind. Call it laziness, call it being scared to share thoughts, call it whatever you want. I just haven't been.


How do you find joy in something that frustrates everything you have ever known or been taught? My thoughts aren't the same as they were three months ago, my actions aren't the same either. Why are the concepts of what I have grown to know and live by changing so rapidly. Where does my joy come from today? I know where it doesn't come from, petty worldly things. When you have seen, been taught, been around worldly things that brought you joy and still does to so many today being changed, it has caused me to go through many sleepless nights of wondering why I do what I do. I still don't have all the answers, don't really think I want them all either.
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Want to know something for a second. I am glad I ran the marathon. Loved doing it. You know what though, it wasn't enough. It did nothing for me besides show me that I accomplished something. I got a lot of "way to go, proud of you, couldn't have done it myself." You know I couldn't have done it either, I didn't do it alone God carried me from the first step till I crossed the line. We put so much into something that isn't God first and when we see the finish, there is always a letdown. I know, cause that is how I felt when I finished. Don't get me wrong I did something fun and exciting, probably will do it again with different intentions though. I did the race because of me. When me couldn't do it, I called on God. Calling on God before probably would have been more gratifying. Don't know.

I find joy working with high schoolers and young adults. I honestly do. Is it about me though. NO. I don't go there to be seen as me, I hope to be seen as someone who loves God first and loves others. When I first wanted to be apart of ministry is was about me. That has changed, partly cause of school and more because of God. I think some of us lose sight of why we are here because we put us first. Could be out of selfishness, could be out of being scared to try something new or jump back on the horse that kicked us off. Is that why minister's leave churches because they lose sight of God's joy and are focused on themselves or forced out because that is how the leadership is? I don't know. I used to be scared of something like that. Not always having a fire, not always being excited. Being forced out because of everything being about me. We'll cross that road when/if it comes. It is a season of life that everyone goes through. Although I don't think everyone recovers from it, they stay in that grey, dead state of life. I know I don't want to be that way.

I have been reading a lot of other blogs and seeing what brings them joy. You can honestly see who has God's joy and who still finds joy in some of the things this world offers. I don't get it. I am as guilty as everyone else and that is what frustrates me. Why does selfishness of joy distract me from a greater joy that is laid in front of me? When do we finally realize and understand that the lives we live isn't about us. Cause if it was, I would be on the beach with a book and headphones for the rest of my life. The life I have learned to live is about loving God, loving others, and helping serve a greater kingdom than I can imagine. True joy comes from one place and until I let myself fully go and realize it, guess I will continue being letdown.