Who is the least? Are you the least, am I the least? Something I haven't thought much about till today. Do you ever hear those sermons that you feel are directed right to you and hit you in the ass hard. Today was that day for me.
For those of you that know me and well even if you don't, I love serving people. I have always been taught to put others first. Even when I don't want to, I tend to have a problem saying no to someone when in need. I have always felt that I need to serve God here and do this good there. Keep myself busy for God, right?
Today the sermon I heard was about Matthew 25:31-46. We have all heard this sermon before. At least that is what I thought. The verses talk about serving others as if they were Jesus himself. Those to the right are saved and those on the left are not. Hopefully we all have done something in the service for God. Knowing this has always been a part of me. Doing good work for God will not only help me grow, but help me when the day of Christ comes. I am know having a servants heart is a part of someone we are asked and choose to be.
Now is the part that blew me away. Who is the least was asked? We always think of others, what about ourselves. Do we ever consider ourselves the least? Do we allow ourselves to come before the throne of God and show him our deepest darkest secret that we know if we share with anyone else, they will probably run. I guess consider this if you were sitting across from Jesus, what do you think the look on his face would be. A lot of what I heard was disappointment. WRONG. This is still hard for me to understand, but COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. We never see the one who has equipped us and chosen us as one of compassion when it comes to our deep dark sins that can continuously hold us down and away. The kicker of this is, He already knows. He already knows what we try to hide behind our back. It is obvious we should know that to, but we don't.
If I were to die today, I have no doubt where I would be going, but am I ready. Not really, because one I haven't finished the race that God has had me start and another reason is I can't say that I have completely come face to face with my deepest, darkest sins that my God has already knows about and washed away. Makes me feel good to know that I have an awesome God of compassion and not one of disappointment.
So again I ask, Who is the least? Sometimes we are and we have to allow ourselves to face what has a hold of us and has hurt us. The best part of that is, HE ALREADY KNOWS and His love is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday. AMEN!!!!

Who is the least? Are you the least, am I the least? Something I haven't thought much about till today. Do you ever hear those sermons that you feel are directed right to you and hit you in the ass hard. Today was that day for me.
For those of you that know me and well even if you don't, I love serving people. I have always been taught to put others first. Even when I don't want to, I tend to have a problem saying no to someone when in need. I have always felt that I need to serve God here and do this good there. Keep myself busy for God, right?
Today the sermon I heard was about Matthew 25:31-46. We have all heard this sermon before. At least that is what I thought. The versuses talk about serving others as if they were Jesus himself. Those to the right are saved and those on the left are not. Hopefully we all have done something in the service for God. Knowing this has always been a part of me. Doing good work for God will not only help me grow, but help me when the day of Christ comes. I am know having a servants heart is a part of someone we are asked and choose to be.
Now is the part that blew me away. Who is the least was asked? We always think of others, what about ourselves. Do we ever consider ourselves the least? Do we allow ourselves to come before the throne of God and show him our deepest darkest secret that we know if we share with anyone else, they will probably run. I guess consider this if you were sitting across from Jesus, what do you think the look on his face would be. A lot of what I heard was dissappointment. WRONG. This is still hard for me to understand, but COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. We never see the one who has equipped us and chosen us as one of compassion when it comes to our deep dark sins that can continuously hold us down and away. The kicker of this is, He already knows. He already knows what we try to hide behind our back. It is obvious we should know that to, but we don't.
If I were to die today, I have no doubt where I would be going, but am I ready. Not really, because one I haven't finished the race that God has had me start and another reason is I can't say that I have completely come face to face with my deepest, darkest sins that my God has already knows about and washed away. Makes me feel good to know that I have an awesome God of compassion and not one of disappointment.
So again I ask, Who is the least? Sometimes we are and we have to allow ourselves to face what has a hold of us and has hurt us. The best part of that is, HE ALREADY KNOWS and His love is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday. AMEN!!!!

Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in, onto the crashing waves.

I wish I could say these words are mine, but there not. Credit goes to Casting Crowns.

My faith has gotten me to where I am today. My faith has made me who I am going to be and who I am not. Why do I question so much still? Why do I let myself stumble day in and day out? Human nature, don't know if I can use that justification anymore. I know perfection is never going to be reached. Nothing new there. My life has begun a new chapter of late with all that I am doing. Am I looking forward to it all, you bet I am. Do I trust God will take care of me, without a doubt. What is the problem then? I am the problem. I get in the way. I, I, I. You see it isn't about me, never has been, never will be. Easy to say that I understand, harder to comprehend and believe. I do believe it, but still I....

It is kind like that saying I heard in a sermon last week, "Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." My life is not in my hands and you know what that is a good thing, cause I would constantly mess it up.

My prayer tonight father is I spend more time listening to you and trusting through the faith you have given me. Strengthen my heart father, cause it hurts right now. Teach/show me a little bit more discipline about getting up earlier to spend with you. What a great way to start the day.

The exhaustion I feel after a week like I had is finally catching up to me. I have a new passion for God to continually push me in. Missions. I spent this past week in Juarez, Mexico, building a house for a family. Along with 48 others we were able to build three houses. It was one of the most intense weeks I have ever been a part of. I always have said that when I finally do go on my first missions trip, I won't want to come back and I will have a new fire in me to continually go somewhere, anywhere God leads me. Well, it happened. I am still overwhelmed with all that went on this week and how we built a house in three days, only God can do!!! This has been more of a building week for me than most CIY's I have been to, mainly because it was real life. God was in each of the people I came in contact with, through there smiles, there hearts, and even through there tears of joy at the end of the week. Everyone on the trip from Westside was there for a reason, I firmly believe that. We all bonded and got along so well. It is really hard to put into words completely.
After a week like this, my thought process is shifting to school. I start in two weeks I think. I find out next week when I register. FINALLY!!!! I do get tired of talking about it and now only one more week till I register and I can finally do what I have been talking about for almost eight years. All in God's timing right or as I like to think, God is seldom early and never late.
Another amazing thing happened this week and I am so stinkin happy about. My best friend from high school and his wife had there first baby. Her name is Ashlyn. She was born a week ago tomorrow and weighed 9 pounds 10 ounces....big baby. I am so happy and proud of them. After finally talking to Danny today, all I could really do was cry tears of joy for him and Amy. I always joke about getting older, but sometimes like today it is alright to be where I am at. Hearing them both talk, I can already tell a difference and it is neat to see. I can't wait to go out to North Carolina in a month. The wait will be hard, but so worth it. Thank you father for bringing life into this world for two people that mean so much to me. I look forward to the next week or so when you do the same for some other friends of mine who are going to be just as good of parents.

It is hard for me not to be excited about all that is going on with my life right now.  My life is a continuous whirl-wind, but there is a good thing about it.  If it were last summer and I was doing all that I am involved in, I would have not made it this far.  My state of mind now and having and knowing God is centered around me has made such a difference.  
 Last week I did something I have never done before.  I had the opportunity of teaching a young adult class.  45 people around my age.  It was different than teaching high school kids.  It was amazing how God worked through me and really how much he has been continuously growing me into what he wants me to be.  In the past after teaching, I would just want to go and hide and not talk to anyone because I would just be mentally baked from teaching.  This time was so much different.  The interaction was so good and my points were simple.  Although that was a night I wish I had more bible teaching than what I know.  School starts in less than a month!!!!! 
 This week I am helping with Vacation Bible School, working with 4 year-olds.  They are so stinkin cute.  I just want to take them with me.  Well not all the time.  They do say the cutest things and they don't even know it.  I am having a great time.
 Next week I go on my first missions trip to Mexico.  We are building a house for a 17 and 19 year old.  Just talking about it and realizing what I have and they don't makes me so sick.  I know this summer I realized that I take for granted all that I have and know that I don't deserve any of it. 
This has been a great summer for me.  God has taught me so much about his kingdom and furthering it more for Him and not for me.  I know that I am running on empty.   And some days really suck and I want nothing to do with anything.  I also know that he has me where he wants me for the time being and I have to think of God and not me.  God has carried me on his back and I am not stopping till he says stop or he is the one peddling the bike and I am helping him.  I don't want someone else to take my place knowing that God has something for me to do to further his Kingdom.  He has me here for a reason and whether I sit and stay still or work my butt off everyday I am His for the taking and making.  The cause is worth giving all I have now, because I know someday I will be able to sleep in a much better place.

Happy Birthday America!!!! Let me tell you how great of a town Rochester, IL is. This has been one of the best weekends here, having all my family and friends around it just made it so wonderful. Not only did the usual party parade and unbelievable fireworks take place, but we had a carnival. I did say a carnival. It was so much fun. My dad also celebrated his birthday. Life is good when you surround yourself with family and great friends on a weekend like this. I have tried so many times to tell others how great the 4th is around here and they don't listen. I think I sold it to a few this weekend. I have heard rumors of Streator having something good, but no comparison. Sorry. Rochester kicks you to the curb in this one.

I leave for CIY tomorrow. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. I have a great group of Sophomore boys to hang out with. We had a prep day yesterday and I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time. We had a race with anything with 3 or more wheels on it. We "found" a shopping cart and turned into The Fast and the Homeless Pimp my Ride Mobile. Bling Bling baby. I am very lucky. Thank you God.

I am someone who likes to go all or nothing. Give it my all and end up with nothing or so I thought. I think sometimes we give what we think is our all and end discouraged, hurt, upset because we didn't see what God was doing. We were always looking for something else and not seeing what God was actually doing. The reason I bring this up is because lately I feel that I have done nothing. Kind of living life of going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, I have had some good times and all that. But honestly feeling that I am giving my all. Not so much. One thing I haven't talked about much is my job. I am working for a landscaping company this summer. Doing manual labor. For those that do know me, probably thinking not something that you would see me do. Sometimes I don't see myself doing what I do, but it has been the best thing for me. It has been a struggle some days. It is also great. I have done some crappy work, in crappy conditions, not to mention the posion ivy I got almost all over my body...I did say almost all over....I hope to say coming out of this job that I gave my all. That I showed up to work everyday, not complaining and as the guys I work with say, "getter done".
So much of my life is on the go. Not as bad as it was while living Chicago, but still always going somewhere, doing something. I don't know though if I have given my all to what I have done. I can't look back on what I have done and I don't want to look towards tomorrow and miss out on giving my all today. God has opened some big doors this summer for me with the youth conference trip in a week or so, a missions trip to mexico(first missions trip ever) in August, and starting seminary in the fall. I guess what I am trying to get at is that I don't want to miss giving my all that I have for God in the smaller things of my life and those around me, because I am to focused on the bigger adventures. I get tired of talking about doing things and going places. I want to give my all and come out with nothing but a deeper and stronger understanding for God.
Tonight at this young adult group I am attending we talked about transformation of the hands. Some of the talk came out of Mark 1 and how the prophets asked Jesus why they were eating without washing there hands first. Skipping ahead to what I got out of it, so many times we look at someone and think they are different or wrong because they did something or think something different than we do. Why can't we just admit that we are as unclean as everyone else. It would make getting along a whole lot easier. When I was praying at the end of group tonight, my mind went blank, I mean unbelievably blank. I can't remember that ever happening. I always am thinking of something, not this time. I don't really remember what I prayed, but I know that it was real, cause I came out of it not so much cleansed, but different, like the spirit was totally moving through the room. I feel like I opened my eyes differently.

I did something today that I have never done before. I spent two plus hours in the car on my way back from Chicago, in complete silence. No music, no phone, no nothing. Just me and the road. It got hard for a while, my mind wondered and I grew tired, but the sense of collective thoughts and peacefulness I had was at times overwhelming. I can't really recall all that I thought about, but it was something I am going to do more of. I love the open road, I love the silence. People have a hard time with silence. I have grown to love it more and more. Plus after living in a 400 square foot apartment, you learn to understand and feed off of the silent/quiet times. The open road is where some of my best thinking and ideas come. Besides other cars and speeding, I don't have distractions going on all around me. No one to talk to and nothing to deal with. I wish I had a computer or something to write out all that thoughts and ideas that go through my head of God, life, love, song-writing, and well everything. Even driving today, I wanted to keep on going. Do something different, quit talking about and just go. To live out this feeling of more instead of talking and wondering when.
I can feel the anticipation and excitement of school building more and more. For a while I was so timid about talking about it and not knowing if this was really it. Kind of surreal and unsure. Over the last few weeks though, I have been reminded of why I am doing what I have cherished so much and have been wanting for years. To know God more. I know all the answers aren't found in school, but it is the direction God has lead me to.
This reminds me of what an old friend told me about Seminary, that it will give me the tools and prepare me for more of life. I miss those talks with this old friend. He was an older friend. Kind of a fatherly-figure. He always knew what to say even when not realizing that he was surrounded by the spirit. I often wonder how his ministry is going and pray that his passion is burning stronger than ever.
Anyways, the other part of the weekend besides moving my sister to Chicago today was being honored to be apart of one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever seen. Everything was so perfect, including the bride and groom. You can learn so much from watching other couples and after this weekend, I have found one more that models what an awesome God-centered marriage can be like. It makes me more and more excited for what God has planned for me, but I know right now his plans are focused on school alone.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about what it means when someone says, "I want to go to the next level." The reason I bring this up is because in the past week I have heard it a few times. What exactly does that mean? I know what people are referring to, but if you look in the bible, no where does it really say anything about going to the next level. It does talk about staying on level ground and the path of righteousness being on level ground. I personally like the level I am on and will continue to stand firm where I am at. I do want to step out though. Step out on the tree limb, take another step on the water, inch that much closer to God. Saying I want to go to the next level is easy, but when you ask someone to step out farther, out of there comfort zone, fear hits. It is that uneasiness in the pit of your stomach saying, no I am happy where I am at. Let me just stay here and wait for God to come to me. We all know that we need to take the first step and have faith by not seeing, but believing. Now onto fear, it is something that I have forgotten about when it comes to God. I was reading through another blog today and it talked about how we have made God through worship a pleasing, peaceful, buddy of a friend God. He is all that and more, but no one talks or sings about the fear of God anymore. It is to real and not happy go lucky or as some might call it a "fluff" talk. It is interesting how we/society won't face our fears today. I include myself in that group. I continually try to figure out what my fears are and maybe what my fear is that I am not fearful of a God who is more than I will ever know or can put into words. So, how does someone understand and taught, become fearful of the God that has been anything but that to him?

I ran my first race of the year this past weekend. I finished a 10 mile race in under an hour and a half, which is I wanted. I missed my personal time by about eight minutes. Something to push myself to do better. I will say it was great to be up running along the lakefront. I really miss that about Chicago. I did get bored running though. Got to figure something out before the marathon. I am doing a few other races before the big one. A little over four months and counting till the marathon. I did enjoy seeing all the others running and had a lot of time for me to think about whatever. Overall it was a good race. To bad my knee and foot are really hurting still. Have to figure out what I did.

Come to me
Maybe I can try this on my own
Come to me
Sometimes I don't know how
Come to me
I'm broken
Come to me
I want you the way you are
Come to me
I keep falling down
Come to me
Stop looking, I am right here
Come to me
I want to be with you
Come to me
I need you
Come to me
Why can't I hear you
Come to me
This doesn't have to be difficult
Come to me
When will this pain end
Come to me
I am right here....

I wouldn't say lately that I have been battling my own mind, but after working today mostly by myself I came to a realization. I miss talking. I miss talking about deeper things in life. I miss talking about God and also hearing about how he is working or how someone is frustrated with life. I miss talking. I miss having to sit and ponder on questions or even questioning a question. Around here it seems so surfacey with who I talk to. I get tired of that. There were a few that I could sit around and talk with for hours and really come out of it going huh or even wanting more. I do get a taste of it here, but not like I yearn for(I like the word yearn)so much more. I got so used to having someone to talk to and help push me. I feel like I have hit a wall and I don't like it. Like I said, I miss talking.

Ever know somebody that could walk into a room and instantly brighten it? Ever meet someone that made an impact on your life with a simple how are you? Do you know anyone that can say the right thing even when you don't want to hear it? How about someone who loves you for who you are? I spent this past weekend in Kentucky with my friends. It was another wedding that I got to gladly be apart of. But this time there was something missing. Something wasn't right. I knew what it was, we all knew what it was. It is so easy to avoid hurt and pain when everything seems so good. It is so easy to block out what you miss the most or don't have. In the past year and a half, I have been a part of a lot of different things with my Kentucky family. I have celebrated joy with them, I have cried tears with all them. Later this summer I will get to be a part of seeing a new creation brought to this world because of them. Yet there is still something missing each time we get together now. I have seen God break each of down in our own ways, but some still can't get a hold of what is true. We found each other and hold strong to each other. Yet, we are not complete because someone has been missing. Chad, we miss you man. Personally, I can't wait to see you in heaven. I pray that all of us one day can be together again.

When do you take I/me out of all you do and start putting God in its place? This past week of work was interesting. Preparing and being on guard at all times was something new. Satan knows how to attack when all is "well". Anyways, the best thing to see was how God was around every move, every thought, every action taken. It is so easy to be on the same page as God, but even easier to put him in your pocket for a while and just enjoy what you think is the good life. My eyes have seen that more and more with those that are around me. It does break my heart when others hurt and don't know you father. What am I doing to help? How am I bringing an alive God into reality? Does a simple hello still work. Can a smile change someone's day enough to make a differfence? I know it can for me.

You ever have those times wehre your mind just goes and goes and goes.....that was my car ride home tonight. I got to spend some time with another friend this afternoon. We caught up on everything and talked about things that were going on in our lives. First I want to say that a few years ago, I never would have thought that I would have changed so much with my thinking about life and all that it is. I do look back to see how God has broken me down, picked me up, broken me down.....the best example I heard is that we are on a downward escalator trying to climb to the top and when we get close, we always fall down....
Anyways, one thing that has gone through my mind since I left today was dealing with performances. Not something I think about a lot, but performing in general and how each person is always in a sense performing for someone or something. Society wants everything to be BIG and expensive. What does God want though? Who are you performing for? So I looked up the word perform in the bible. Came up with around 70 verses. A lot of the verses deal with the presence of God performing miracles and Jesus performing miracles in the new testament. So, it made me think, who do I perform for at work, at home, at church, with friends, when I am alone? Is my mindset on God above and doing acts for him or for myself/society?
Another thought was dealing with reaching the weak and the lost:

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 1 Corinthians 9:22

I can't find the verse I want right now, but God wants to be with the weak and the lost, so where does that put someone like myself. I don't consider myself all great or anything, but where is that line of being righteous and following God to what the bible says about reaching the lost and being among those that aren't saved yet?

One other thing that I thought about was how much I love what I do with working with high school kids. It is amazing to think that I am doing all that I do out of love and not as a job. I can be looked upon as a leader, but not having to know all the answers. I don't always have to be right. I do pray that when I could possibly end up working in a church that I carry the same mindset and do what I love not for the money or my glory, but for the kids and the LOVE OF GOD.

I spent the weekend in Chicago and really enjoyed all I did. I got to see a lot of old faces at a wedding and catch up with all that is going on. I do kind of miss that community of friends and a few that I wish I still kept closer contact with. It was a beautiful wedding to be a part of. I am extremely blessed to be a part of the day that was. I will say one of the coolest things was talking to everyone and seeing how they have come along these past six months and how God continues to work in all they do. It does excite me to see how awesome our father is.
Today I spent the morning at my lil sis's college. She had a sorority brunch and event. I didn't think much of it till I got there. Now you never realize someone growing up until you here stories about he/she. Today I got a good taste of who my lil sis is, she is truly an amazing person. What her friends said about her and how she carries herself....WOW. She is a women beyond her years at times like today, but still she is a baby to me. I am so lucky to have such an awesome little sister like her and a big sis who is just as wonderful.

Had a rainout for work today. Kind of nice, but then again, I was just getting used to getting up early and enjoying being outside. It is a lot of work though, being in the sun and working on landscape. Good times though. Some interesting people I work with....I did find out that the owner is a big time christian, active within his church, so I hope and pray that I am able to go on my CIY trip and possibly a missions trip to Mexico. Never done a missions trip, but now is a better time then ever to start. Still haven't completely decided what to do. I have to figure that out by Sunday. Anyways, I start my summer of weddings this weekend. Should be a good time.
I have hit a point that I want more out of life. More than what I am doing, not only with God, but with all that I do. Part of me feels like that time has come or is coming. I know I just got a job and enjoy being around here, but I am so restless right now, that I don't know what to do. Maybe it is cause today I haven't done much, but then again, maybe I am yearning for more out of life. That desire is burning brightly. I will say that I loved being with the high school kids the other night. I miss that so much. It was so good to be around them and to let myself know that I am going to be around for a few years with them now. Hopefully I can watch the Freshman class through till they graduate...

It is good to be back in familiar surroundings. I think this time at home will be good. I don't know what to expect, so I expect nothing. I think now that I am working, my dad and I won't have as much tension between us....hopefully. It is weird though to be living here again. Never thought I would be back here. It is really nice. I am excited to see what the Lord does this summer and year with me being around the area. I have a good church to attend, a great youth group to help with, and a men's group that has already accepted me back. I am lucky God put so many loving people around me to take care of me and help fill that missing part of me in the community of church.

Went to a bar last night and heard two guys play their guitar. It was really a good show for a small place and the guys were really stinkin good at guitar. I enjoy hearing new music. They were both Independents, so that made it all the more better. I imagine myself doing the same thing soon, if I continue to play.

Well, it has finally happened. I got a jobby-job. I start on Wednesday doing landscaping work. It is a great feeling again. It will work out perfect with school also. I just pray now for where I am going to live till August when I can move in with PJ. I am going to try home, but don't know how I really feel about it. Oh well, I am just so happy to have a job. Thanks God!!!!

Over the past three days, I have been to three different churches that were nothing alike. Friday I went to one in the Lou with my sis. Talk about a charismatic surprise. I don't know if I have ever been to a church like that. It kind of freaked me out. Good sermon....if you like jumping around on like 50 points. Last night I went to PJ's church. It was awesome. I loved the small feeling of being there. Like the message was really speaking to the whole congregation. PJ also did an awesome job in worship. Today I went to Westside. It is so big...I kind of forgot. Not that it was bad, I had to find something in the sermon. The personal feeling wasn't there. Anyways, it was kind of cool to see three completely different churches. I do miss the kids and working with them. Maybe this week I can get a jobby job.
I realized today how depressing it have to over and over again tell everyone that I am not working and really no home right now. Now I am not trying to feel bad for myself, but damn, I get tired of being so upbeat sometimes. I just want to tell them how much this sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I will leave with one of my new favorite verses:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

So I think I might have a job. Oh before I get into this new one, I have to tell say that the other pharmaceutical job probably won't happen. I talked to the lady again yesterday and she said that her concern with me is my "lack of experience". My thoughts were why the hell are you telling me a month later. Way to string me a long you stupid....Anyways, about this other possibility. I have a meeting with a landscaping company on Monday to see about working for them this summer and fall. It would be perfect for me, cause I want to be outside and enjoy the weather, plus I still get Saturday's off. Don't know much else, so some prayers would be awesome. I will share one cool thing about finding out this opportunity. I was having my quiet time this morning, really pouring my heart out to God and the usual frustrations came about, so I let it go and within so many minutes, I found out that they are still hiring. We will see what happens. It is in Springfield too.